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I was born in 1992 and at that stage throughout the 90s and into the 00s, Porn wasn’t a fraction as open and prevalent as it is now in 2018.  I think I got my first sense or taste of Porn when I was 12.  Now, when I was 12 it was 2004 and there were no real smartphones and Wi-Fi wasn’t a thing, so we had to rely on old internet dial-up connections, which was slow, compared to what we have now.  A few years previous, my parents would send me down to the local shop on a Sunday morning to get the paper for them.  It was just some dumb childhood exercise in independence and relative maturity, but I always found myself in the shop gazing up at the top shelf of the newspaper and magazine shelf.  As most of us know, Porn magazines were kept up at the top.  I saw the likes of ‘Zoo’, ‘Nuts’, ‘FHM’ & ‘Playboy’ on the shelf, well above my head.  At this stage, I was far too self-conscious & embarrassed to buy one.  I even felt like a piece of shit gazing up at those magazines.  It wasn’t until about 12, that I bought one.  I had the courage to buy one, finally.  After two years of uncomfortable and creepy staring at the magazines, I had a physical copy of one in my hand.  I believe it was ‘Nuts’.  This was the typical low-grade lad’s magazine that was on offer at the time.  Walking home I made sure to keep it hidden in some way.
This was a weekly occurrence for me.  I would slink down to the local shop, when I was 12, buy one of those magazines and saunter out.  Now, as far as I’m aware those magazines can’t be sold to just anyone.  As far as I know, you must be over eighteen to buy one.  Nevertheless, every week I walked in and bought one.  It became this odd ritual for me.  You see, at this stage I wasn’t even masturbating, at all.  I knew what hard-ons were, but I knew nothing about orgasm or masturbation.  I would bring the magazines up to my room, very fast, and just look at them over & over again.  Jerking off wasn’t something I would do until I was nearly 13 years old.  I was a late bloomer and I knew it.  I had NO experience with real-life girls.  The women in these magazines with huge, perky tits were the only girls I knew & liked.  I remember thinking, ‘Shit, are all girls like this?’
Eventually, at 13 years of age and buying magazines for the best part of a year I would learn about internet porn.  I remember being alone in the house & wanting to search out naked girls on Google but being apprehensive about it.  Keep in mind, a lot of this took a lot of courage also.  The very first thing I ever Google image searched was – Surprise, surprise – ‘Naked Girl’.  Upon seeing all the various images of naked girls pop up, I immediately got an erection.  But, I didn’t touch it.  Eventually after a few minutes of scrolling, I looked at a website called ‘Hot or Not’.  I don’t even know if this website still exists but it’s a similar thing to Tinder.  Only, all the girls are barely clothed or fully naked and the objective was as the name states.  I rated over 100 girls on it.  This shit was far more explicit than the pictures I saw in the magazines I had bought.  I was seeing EVERYTHING, from labia to clitoris.  Nothing was left to the imagination and I fucking loved it.  I remember having a sense that boys jerked off to porn, but I didn’t know how to.  I pulled my pants down to the fucking ankles and just lightly rubbed the tip of my dick.  My first orgasm was fucking shocking, or I thought it was at the time.  I honestly thought something was wrong with me.  As soon as this fucking ‘goo’, came out the tip of my dick I honestly thought I had broken my penis.  I didn’t even get to enjoy the orgasm as I was so un-nerved.  I pulled up my pants really fast & clicked off the images & went outside.  I was pacing around in circles like a fucking maniac in a prison cell, trying to occupy my mind.  After I had come to terms with what happened I would try masturbating again, in the shower that night.  I would always bring myself to the point of orgasm, but I wouldn’t step over the line and just come.
The images from all the magazines I had seen and all the porn pictures I had seen online on Google were amalgamating in my head to form sexual pyramid of girls in their bras, to girls fully naked and showing off their pussy lips.  I just knew I wanted to look at naked girls all the time & jerk-off all the time too.  It was seriously addictive & entrancing.  I swear, ANY opportunity I had to be alone with the computer I was looking at Porn.  These were still Porn pictures & not videos.  Pictures did me fine for a long time & I didn’t really have an interest in the videos.  Back in 2005 & 2006 there was still such a limit on the Porn that was available, compared to today but I remember the first time I had an orgasm & watched a Porn video was when I was 14, in 2006.  The site I found was a site that, I don’t even know if it still exists in 2018.  The site was called, ‘Solo girls’.  As the name suggests, these were videos of various girls with Porn-Star names like ‘Kandi’, ‘Leesah’ & ‘Layla’, all masturbating.  Some fucked themselves with dildos & some just rubbed themselves with their fingers.  It blew my fucking mind, at the time.  This unquenchable lust I had for Porn was even more aroused and I remember routinely jerking off and coming to the girls on this site.
In the back of my mind, for some reason I felt scared.  I was approaching 15 years of age and I still hadn’t even kissed a girl.  Now, this was a thought very far back in my mind.  I payed no attention to it but it gave me a sense of unease or uncomfortably.  CURRENTLY, I was masturbating three times a day.  Which, to me seemed like a lot.  My dick felt used & abused.  People in school were talking about hooking up with real-life girls.  This could have been male bravado bullshit, but I took it seriously.  I felt like I was wasting my life away watching porn and jerking-off.  I had a sense that it was becoming an addiction, yet, I couldn’t articulate how I felt about it.
No joke, I could and did watch Porn for 3 or 4 hours a day.  I had abandoned the magazines, Sologirls & Hot or Not.  I tried to go ‘cold turkey’ from watching the smut.  I think I lasted a couple of days, but my hormones were breaking through my mental barrier and I would eventually go back to Porn.  Only now, it was accompanied by MSN.  I was one of those guys that jerked-off for random girls on MSN I had meet through Bebo.  Some of the girls would show me their tits while I came on camera.  It got so bad that I remember stealing money, so I could buy a better webcam for the computer.  I felt fucking desperate for orgasm, daily.  As I grew older, maybe 16, I didn’t get bored of Porn as such, I just wanted a real-life girl to touch my dick.  I hunted for girls on MSN, Bebo or anywhere that would meet up with me.  This was a really low-point in my life.  I felt seedy doing this and I felt like there was this massive inner conflict going on.  On the one side my lust for porn & girls was growing and on the other side, the more rational side of myself knew this was becoming a problem that could take me into a very dark place.  The desperation I felt to jerk-off for girls on webcam was harrowing, looking back at it.  I hid my webcam from everyone.  I only used it when no one else was around.  I was talking to more and more like-minded girls, who felt a similar sense of desperation to show themselves off.  There was this weird sense of explicit desperation that seeped through into my subconscious & made me feel very uncomfortable.  My mistake was ignoring that feeling and giving into this lust.  I had some very seedy girls offer to meet up with me, but I never went through with it.  I was too afraid & I honestly knew It could take me into a dangerous place.  My instinct was to shut this all down.  To stop with all the porn and the random jerking-off for girls on webcam.  I Definity didn’t feel good about any of this.
At 17, I had my first kiss and a very short-term relationship with a girl.  She promised to jerk me off and this was beyond exciting.  When I did eventually orgasm from her first time wanking me off, it was incredible.  Like, fuck the porn, this was amazing.  The darker side of this was, I had watched so much porn I expected her to do a lot more for me.  I expected her to fuck me in all these positions and I thought of her as kind of a prude when she didn’t want to take things that far.  Even when I had these short-term flings, I was still watching porn on the side.  All the fucking desperate things I had seen in Porn had a weird effect on my waking life.  I expected girls to just be bent over & fucked.  There was almost no such thing as emotional intimacy, in my world.  It was just lust.
I remember when I properly started dating at 19, I was with a girl who I Lost my virginity to.  I had to watch Porn while she jerked me off.  That must have been humiliating for her.  It was like she was just this accessory and the Porn was my girlfriend.  I remember watching Porn on my phone while she just sat there and wanked me off.  Looking back at it, that was bleak.  For the longest time, Porn warped my world view.  It warped my world view of sex, relationships and women.  Essentially, this is what worries me.  If I thought like this, how many other countless people also thought like this.  Girls generally don’t like having 4 or 5 dicks in them.  Girls generally don’t like cum being on their face and in their eyes.  It was hot to watch but I Knew it was becoming counterproductive.  Even while I was losing my virginity, I had to picture different Porn scenes in my head to keep myself hard enough to try and fuck this girl.  I was totally desensitized to something which should have been sweet.
 
This inner conflict of Lust & Intimacy was all-encompassing.  I didn’t know how to view women or sex.  I had to stop watching porn.  I had to give real life and real love a chance.  I Know that women value emotional intimacy a lot and what the fuck was I giving them?  I was giving them what I knew.  Which was how to fuck and trying to get the girl to go along with all sorts of fucked up shit you only hear about on fetish sites.
I’m 26 now & I might watch porn once every 2 months.  Life generally became purer, my relationships more fulfilling and intimacy more loving once I stopped watching porn.  What got me to stop watching porn were scary thoughts I would have.  Dark thoughts of sadism, rape, BDSM etc.  I knew if I acted on these thoughts, I would be fucked.  I would let myself down, I would hurt someone, I would destroy someone & having these thoughts pop into my head was shocking.  My lustful sense needed to be moderated.  At 21, I vowed to stop watching Porn.  I would do things that were in line with who I was.  I was a good-hearted person, from a loving family.  I had a great childhood.  I was pure of heart & didn’t want to hurt anyone.  This was a crucial time for me, at 21.  I made the right choice.  I vowed to invest time in getting to know women as people and not just sex objects.  The emotional closeness I have felt with a small number of women has been so much more fulfilling than any porn scene.
 
As I said, Porn means nothing to me now.  I have stayed away from it long enough that I can feel and know the truth.  What scares me is how other young people, these days react and learn from Porn.  There is some hardcore and sadistic shit out there nowadays.  If I got fucked up from it, imagine other young people, seeing shit that is more cruel and unusual then anything I would have seen as a teenager and into