Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

The creek where I go, it’s my sacred place, I feel that nothing can harm me while I’m there. But the second I leave, reality hit. BOOM! I never signed up for this life, then why am I the one to get it? I didn’t ask to come out of my mother’s womb, or to have to be hurt by the world the second I entered it. 

I can remember being happy, I can remember, but it’s a distant memory that is faded and worn. That is broken and burned. That is lost, but in view. 

The last time I was truly happy, was when I was 11, and exactly RIGHT before my mother told me, with no sympathy in her voice, icy cold, that my friend had killed herself. 

You have to understand that I NEVER liked my mother, EVER, that goes for my father also. The closest thing I have to a family, is a couple I’ve known all my life that go by the name of Tanya and Cameron Smith. Those are my parents, not the crack heads that just brought me into this world against my will. I never asked for that.

Sometimes I’ll look up at the stars, one will blink, and shine brighter then all the others, and I’m sure that that star is my long lost friend that left me for a better life. I see her vividly when I think of her, as clear as a picture in my mind. Perfect. 

I’ve often asked myself why’d she do it? But then I let it go and tell myself that she is better off away from all the pain, misery, famine, of the world.

Tanya often tells me that it’s not my fault, that she did it, but you can’t shake something like that.  Especially when your that young, and right before they did it, you got in a fight with them. We had just started school, and she was supposed to be in my class, but weeks went by and she hadn’t come to school, we found out later that she was being homeschooled. And I silently was relieved at the thought of not having to to see me ex best friend every day. 

Then only a few short days after the relief kicks in, you hear the words “you friend killed herself”, and with those words you hear no sympathy or feeling from the speaker. Your soul feels like it’s falling into this empty void, and it just keeps falling... and falling... and falling. Into a never ending abyss of despair and loss. You fight back tears in your eyes, because you don’t want to seem weak, so you say “well, we weren’t close anyway” and walk off. You hold it in as hard as you can until you are alone, then the dam breaks and it all rushes out. 

So yes, you feel it is your fault. All your fault. I’ve lost a friend, I’ve lost lope, I’ve lost happiness. I’ve lost everything.