Category : Blogs

Sub Category : LifeStyle

All of us have our own journey in life. It is along life's path that we learn and discover things about ourselves through experiences we go through, through mistakes we make, and also through people we meet along the way. Here, I would like to highlight six individuals who had played a big part in my discovery of me. In my quest of finding me, this is my journey.

#1 - Mr. Heng....
"You're still here? I didn't think you would show up this morning. I'll give you three more days, five the most, and then you'll be gone." 

Those were the words spat to my face almost every other morning for three months during my probation period when I first started work at Jemima Films. Mr. Heng, who was my immediate boss; was a real piece of work. A shrewd businessman and a Master in the workings of the Film Industry; he was a hard man to please. He started in the Film business from the bottom as a storekeeper in the 1950s and with hard work and dedication, topped with ideas, insights, and confidence, he worked his way to becoming a successful Film Producer that was well respected not only for his vast knowledge of the business but also for his ability to bring in the profits. He may be a little man in stature but he is sharp as steel. Nothing misses him, and I mean nothing. Everyone in the office feared him. They respected him but they also hated him. He is the kind of guy if you were to make a mistake, no matter how small, he would scream at you in front of everyone to make you look stupid and incompetent. He gets pleasure in embarrassing others in public and the bigger the audience; the harsher his words. 

Being the newbie in the company, I became his target - daily. Coming from another Production House I would obviously need time to get myself familiar to the system and methods of working in Jemima but with Mr. Heng breathing down my neck every few hours, I had to learn fast. He didn't cut me any slack just because I was new, no. He pushed me and he pushed hard. He didn't go easy on me and every chance he got, the slightest mistake I made - like coming in to work just three minutes late, and that's it; he would be spitting fire in my face - his attempt at making me feel like the most useless and worthless human being he has ever come across in his life. 

Those three months were hard but I began to study him. He did his best to break my spirit, to prove that he was right about me - that I was weak. He wanted to see me break down and cry and eventually quit because I can't take the heat. Well, I wasn't going to give him that pleasure. Hell no! I decided then that I was going to prove him wrong and make him eat his words. I was determined to show him what I'm truly made of. And I did. 

After my three months probation was up, he gave me an increment in my salary and I was promoted from Production Secretary to Producer. Within a year, I got another increment and promotion. I was made Line Producer and I became his golden girl, his protégé. I learned a lot from Mr. Heng through his "tough love" method. He was my mentor in so many ways and though he was hard to deal with in the beginning, I am thankful for all that he had taught me for I am the person I am today because of him.

#2 - Char....
Char and I have come a long way. Our friendship was tested when we had a fall out over her substance abuse - something which she had kept from me for the first 10 years of our friendship. When I learned about it, I was stunned at first for it came out "accidentally". And when I realised that she wasn't planning on telling me about it, I was hurt and felt betrayed. Hurt, because I felt she didn't trust me enough to tell me. She, on the other hand, didn't tell me because she was afraid I would judge her - a hard lesson she had learned in her past. I was hurt to know she had thought so little of me for I felt I have shown her enough for her to know me better. I felt betrayed and was quick to retreat back into my cocoon. We didn't speak to each other for over a year because of that misunderstanding (my choice). But throughout that year, she showed me she was not giving up on me or on our friendship. She did her utmost best to reach out to me whichever way she could find. All I had to do was to reciprocate but I didn't. The feeling of hurt and betrayal held me back. She never gave up and did everything she could to win back my trust. Her genuine persistence paid off in the end.

#3 - Stephen....
Steve was the first inmate I had gotten to know up close and personal. He was serving a life sentence in a prison in Florida. I was going through depression and needed so desperately to find a way to get out of that dark hole I was in. Mom came to me one day with a letter from one of her friends bearing an address of someone who was looking to make new friends. Her first thought was mom but mom was already writing to over a hundred people at that time and so she asked if I would be interested to write to that person. I looked at the address and saw the words "Correctional Institution" and immediately said yes. I have never corresponded with anyone in prison before so I thought it would be an interesting experience.

Putting together my introduction letter to Steve was no easy task. I didn't know his story or the frame of mind he was in so I had to tread very carefully and gently as I didn't want to say the wrong thing and appear insensitive or disrespectful. Getting to know Steve had opened my eyes to a whole new world I knew nothing about - a world where you are nothing more than just another face in the crowd, a number in the system, a world where the fate of your destiny lies in the hands and mercy of the people of authority. Steve shared a lot with me throughout the 16 years of our correspondence and I shared a lot with him too. He painted a very clear picture for me on what life is really like behind the concrete walls and barbed wire fences. He brought me into the world of the "wounded". In doing that, something inside me moved. All my woes and troubles were forgotten as they seemed so small and insignificant compared to what I was being exposed to - the world of the deeply wounded. I felt an urgent and strong need to reach out, to show Love. God granted my wish for it wasn't long after, more inmates were "sent" my way, one after another. I wrote to a total of 10 inmates from different prisons all over America. I became their friend and confidant. It was therapeutic for them as well as it was for me. It didn't matter to me that they had all forgotten about me after they were released. What mattered was the fact that I was there for them when they were lonely and needed somebody in their corner.

My relationship with Steve was different from the other inmates I was writing to. He was a lot more complex that it took a lot more patience and effort on my part to penetrate his walls. I was determined to break down his walls and reach out to him to bring him out of his shell. I spent hours hand writing pages of letters to him weekly. The effort I had put in paid off for he saw the sincerity in me. A deep trust developed between us and from there a strong bond was built. Today, he is part of my family. I adopted him as my big brother and mom adopted him as her son. He is a free and changed man now and one day, God willing, I hope to meet him in person.

#4 - Carl....
I got to know Carl on Facebook through Steve. He had just been released from prison about a month then. He made a comment on a post I had written to Steve which had intrigued me. I went over to check on his profile to see what he's all about and hit him with a friend request. He accepted shortly after and conversations flew between us. It didn't take long for me to figure him out and to see through the "masks" he puts on and I even called him out on his many "bluffs" each time I felt he was trying to pull a fast one on me. That was when he realised I wasn't here just to fill my spare time but I am genuinely interested in getting to know who he is. 

Carl is someone who is "stuck" in a place where he desperately needs to get out of. For years he has been looking for answers but the problem is, he hasn't been asking the right questions. Instead of moving forward, he has been going around in circles. I feel his pain and his struggle and I have made it my mission to help him through his growth into getting to the place he needs and wants to be. Seeing that he is also now part of my family, helping him to grow would be easy.

#5 - Mr. P....
Mr. P is the man I had shared more than two decades of my life with - 19 of which as husband and wife. However, our marriage is not what one would call the "conventional" type, no. Out of that 19 years, the number of years where we had actually lived together as husband and wife under the same roof totaled up to only six years. His mother fell ill and he used to divide his time between being home with me and being there for his mother. I saw how taxing it was for him in trying to be at two places at a time and so I made a conscious decision and told him to be with his mother so he could take care of her. He would come back to be with me on weekends when his other siblings were available to look after their mother. This went on for a few years until she breathed her last breath.

One would think after his mother's passing he would be ready to come back home to me, right? I sure thought so because after all, that was the deal - I was willing to sacrifice my time with him so that he could look after his mother. But instead of coming home, he came up with an excuse saying that he didn't feel right to leave his sister living at home alone. As a woman, I thought of her safety and agreed that he should stay on to keep her company. Then when his two brothers came back to live at their parents' house, I thought he would be ready to come home to me as his sister will not be living alone in that house anymore, but.... no! He came up with yet another excuse and another and another. I did my best to be supportive and understanding but how long am I supposed to do that? It got to the point where I felt enough was enough. Clearly all the sacrifices I have made for him were not appreciated so it was time for me to make a decision for myself, which I did.

#6 - Nicky....
The history between Nicky and I go way back. Looking back, I can't really say if there was anything much between us as we hardly ever really had the chance to spend much time together. We were always at different places in our lives -  like the timing was never really quite right. However, the chemistry and connection between us is undeniable. I don't know what exactly it is about him that makes him stand out, but he is the one person outside of my family whom I found myself loving unconditionally. He can hurt me with his actions, break my heart over and over but still, my love for him remains intact.

"Every individual has their story, path and purpose, and none of us began from where we stand now. We live, we learn, we grow." ~ Dulce Ruby

I don't know when or what had triggered this deep need in me to find my true self; what I'm truly made of, but those are the answers I have been trying to find for a very long time. Now, how does one go about finding these answers? My most logical thought would be to do some soul searching - spend some quality time with myself and dig deep. Makes sense, right? And so, I went on that soul searching quest and started digging. Then, another question popped up.... what am I digging for? Hmm.... good question. A whole bunch of questions began to pop up in my head.... What am I trying to find? Where do I start to look? How do I begin the search? ... It was then when I realised that this is not something that will magically appear in front of me just because I will it to. I also learned in my quest to find the answers I was looking for was not something I can achieve on my own. I needed help in finding my true self. Only one thing for me to do - I prayed to God to show me the way.

God answered my prayers by putting people in my life whom He had handpicked for me. 

Through Mr. Heng, I learned that I have a will of steel and that I am not a quitter.

Through Char, I learned about loyalty - even when I felt betrayed and my trust had been broken, I found that I could still be loyal to the friendship that we had built and acknowledge the value of the friendship. Understanding that, I made the effort to mend the broken bridge and start anew. 

With Steve, I learned about compassion. It was through my relationship with him that I found the need to reach out to others with Love. 

With Carl, I learned about empathy. I have been spending countless hours talking to Carl daily in getting to know him better. Through this process I found that I was able to put myself in his shoes where I could see his situation, his issues and problems clearly in which that clarity had given me the opportunity to help him through his struggles. 

I learned perseverance with Mr. P. With him, I learned that I don't have a right to the cards I believe I should have been dealt, but I have an obligation to play the hell out of the ones I'm holding. 

And Nicky.... I learned what it really means to love someone unconditionally. 

Is my quest over? Have I found all the answers I am looking for? Not by a long shot. But for now, this has been a good start.

"I still fall on my face sometimes, and I can't colour inside the lines cause I'm perfectly incomplete, I'm still working on my Masterpiece. And I, I wanna hang out with the greatest, got a way to go but it's worth the wait. No, you haven't seen the best of me, I'm still working on my Masterpiece." ~ Jessie J