Category : Stories

Sub Category : Drama

CHAPTER 3, PART 3

The day flew by in a haze. This morning, right after count time, Eddie made his way to the Classification Department; the department that handles everything from visitation approvals, inmates files, Disciplinary Reports, program participation, job assignments, and everything else. After his surreal experience at the chapel with Bishop Porter last night, he felt the need to do something. He had too many questions in his head and the need to find the answers became an urgent matter to him. He knows that sitting in his cell all day will not get him the answers he was looking for. He needed to keep himself busy doing something where at the same time he would be left alone to sort out his thoughts. He mulled over it at breakfast and as soon as count was over, he knew exactly what he needed to do. This morning, at the Classification Department, he signed up for the Inside Grounds job.

Armed with a cart loaded with brooms, rake, garbage bags and a trash can, he pushed the cart to his designated area near the factory. A few inmates who had arrived before him were busy cleaning the spots they had chosen for themselves. Eddie pushed the cart further away to an area where old trees had shed their leaves. He looked around him and saw he had quite a lot of ground to cover. He didn't mind it at all for the work and space would provide him the time and space he needed to think. Without wasting anymore time, he parked his cart underneath a tall, shady tree, grabbed a broom and went to work.

His search for himself almost always takes him back to that place and time when he was molested as a little boy. The journey into who he is today, the person he has become, what makes him "him", turns his search there. He figured if he really wants to look for his answers, that would be the best place for him to look. So, as he busies himself sweeping up leaves, he allows his mind to go into his peaceful place to begin his search and to meditate on this quest of finding himself. Although he was somewhat afraid of what he would find, he knew this was something he needed to do for himself.

So in he goes. The old creaky door of his heart that has long been locked and bolted shut, resists any tampering. But he turns the handle, yanks on the frame and pulls with all his might to open the door. Now standing at the threshold, he once again finds himself at the place where he has been hiding all his life; the place where he can clearly see the guilt and the shame, the insecurity and literal fearfulness written into every part of his body. He peeks in. The place is dark and gloomy. There are chains which stretch out from that trauma which had spun the years of his life like a spider's web; stretching out in every direction, intertwined and touching everything in his life. Dare he go in?

He took a deep breath and stepped inside. From the corner of his mind's eye, he saw a little boy huddled in the corner, on the floor, with his arms wrapped around his legs, rocking himself to and fro. Eddie stared at the boy. The boy looked lost and confused and there was something very familiar about him. Puzzled, Eddie took a step closer. The boy kept rocking on the floor with his head hung low. Eddie moved even closer. The little boy felt his presence. He stopped rocking and looked up at Eddie. His eyes wide and frightened. Eddie kept moving closer and the closer he got, the more he found himself rehearsing the same old script in his mind, like a movie reel played over and over. The scene that was playing was of that painful day where he was molested. "Will I ever be free of this torture?" Eddie wondered to himself. The weight of that memory has been bringing him down for years that even his shoulders slumped forward from carrying that burden. Eddie is certain that he is deformed by it.

But instead of being afraid to face the little boy, Eddie was filled with pity and compassion. He was moved when he realized the lost and confused boy he was looking at was actually him. Eddie reached out to the little boy. He felt a strong need to comfort him. But when he reached out his hand, he was startled when his hand passed right through the boy. He tried again. He moved his hand back and forth, reaching for something he knew was there in front of him, but there was nothing of substance for him to grasp. Eddie was confused. Why can he see the little boy but can't touch him? What does this all mean? Could it mean he was left hollowed by that unfortunate incident that there is nothing more left of him? He thought about it and considered the possibility. "No, I don't have to be defined by this." Then the thought struck him. How many abuses has he suffered in life because of the past? How much of his identity as a person been developed merely to prevent anything like it from happening again? And this identity he's been carrying, this person he has become, is it truly who he is?

Eddie was trembling when he snapped back to himself. He looked around him. He still had a broom in his hand, there were still a lot of leaves for him to rake, and that little boy...? He was nowhere to be found. He realized then that he had been sleepwalking through life. The sleepy blurred vision in his eyes tangled up in his pillows and sheets, a vision of a poor tired little boy wiggling his foot like he was awake.... it was all a fake. He is a fake. A put together person, lost in this mission called life. So many people had come and gone in his life that it is impossible to calculate the exact number. Quite a number of them were profoundly decent people and some, completely impossible to deal with. But through it all, they have come and gone with such repetition that he had found it difficult to connect with those around him. Now that he's back to living within crowds of people, he was essentially guarded and alone. It seemed that as soon as he began to develop a decent connection, he would coil up and withdraw enough that his perimeters, boundaries and cautions remained intact. No matter how close he got to anyone, he was very meticulous about letting anyone too close to seeing him for who he really is. And after years and years of living like that, he had developed a dependency on it, so much so that even he was unable to approach too close to the truth of who he really is.

The realization upset him. He doesn't want to be alone anymore. He doesn't want to be lonely and guarded anymore. More importantly, he doesn't want to be lost anymore. Bishop Porter's words rang in his ears.... "There are no limits to what you can be, even here in prison. Sometimes you have to use what is around you, in the place you are, in the people you see, to get to where you want to be."

Eddie smiles to himself. Yes, he understands now. No more sleepwalking through life. Tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new opportunities and a new chance for him to right himself. Tomorrow, he is going to own his right to truly be Eddie Spade.