Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Miscellaneous

Anyway--Im not going to tell you how great im doing or pull out the brag sheet-because even though the surface things are changing--i would be full of shit--im not better--wait--better yes--but also worse--because the more i get better the more i see and realize how bad i really was--does that make sense???  I have a couple of great days--and then I lapse--sad--anxiety--overwhelmed--or some simple daily malfunction will push me over--into that angst and pain--you really got me thinking about my eyes---i guess i figured--since i wasn't doing drugs or out partying late nights---that i was good--but really i dont sleep well--for in my new found clarity--many demons have emerged from their hiding spaces.  I can no longer tuck them back into that cloud of numb procrastination and it is painful accepting who I have become --- the wrongs and misaction that I hve allowed satiate my false hunger for life way too long.  You see Nate I was beneathe the rubble---of my self pity and self-proclaimed victimization--long before even you--i looked to you and used you to be my shelter from a storm---that existed not but in my head and my need to be saved--so that I would not have to save myself---my love for you(no doubt strong and real) was another drug--another addiction to band-aide -seduce--comfort and mask--my own self-loathing.  I needed and abused you and your love for me like heroin---always needing anither fix--no matter how much you gave it was never enough--and even what you did give--i became immune--shooting your love down as insufficient and wanting a higher grade of you--a higher dose--nothing was enough--nor was it strong enough-----therefore I blamed you---making you feel insuffient--small--helpless--i did it so much you really blamed yourself and second guessed the person you are---how evil i had become--blindly--but evil--because i did feel that hurt -that pain-that sadness-i never wanted to do anything--i didn't know why and I was angry and hurtful and closed off--wanting to know why you couldnt fix me anymore--it was your fault--i thought--i displaced everything--creating such a mirage ---that i could no longer tell truth from lie---i was lost so deep--that the 'me' that i see now in fractured slivers (of both excitement and fear) no longer existed--but still framed photographs--and anecdotes of a childhood long forgotten.  And i wanted to blame everyone but me--especially you--becaused i believed if you loved me as much as i wanted you to---than you had enough love for us both--and with that love i created the belief--that it was enough--your love--not mine--yours was enough to save me from myself-----how truly fucked--up i became!

... the drugs--they kept the candle flickering in my shadow--enough to say, this spark, this dim lit wick, keeps me from the dark--how wrong--all the flames(drugs) did, is dance in delerious silhoettes against the backdrop of a life created to avoid--my life...a life, I see now, that I loathed.  Peter Gabriel--we downloaded that song----"My momma told me that love--is only for those that love themselves."

You see that's it Nate--i didn't know how to do that--what a coward--i couldn't--but asked you to--Till finally you realized you couldn't fix me and though you loved me ...you realized - and thank God you did, that I was pulling you down...deep down.  You got out before I pulled u under with me..

 

And im not all better Nate--far --far----from it.  And its hard--sometimes I want to drawn beneathe my cover and never come up for air.  Living is not easy--succeeding is not easy--being true to yourself ---is not easy---caring and expecting of yourself is not easy----none of its easy because there is always the possibility that you might fail---and you don't care than u never have to fail--but thats being dead--and that is what I was.. i text a while back -- about choosing life--and i have--but there is not a day that goes by--that i don't want to quit--but then I remember(so recent it lingers and chokes my nostrils with its throbbing rememberances) how very awful, sick, hollow and evil it, I was--and I cringe and shutter--knowing close it is and how easy to fall---i see myself on tip--toe --no harness, no restraint--on crumbling --rock ledge of the giant--the cliff side of the mountain--you see im climbing in hopes of reaching the top---but to get there you must examine your past--as well as your now---and on that ledge examining--looking down into all those yesterdays --my stomach swells in knots--reguritating against itself-- seeing so clearly the denial of myself I'm left stranded, teetering on the cliff --somewhere--in between what was, what could have been, what is--and what still could be----and when im looking down Nate--i see how easy it could be to jump--to let go--give up the struggle--go back 'there'-- but 'there' is nowhere--.  So pull my head back in a shiver and choke down the vile acid that had formed in my throat with the thought of....  And i look-up and start climbing again--or so I hope.

--But  the mountain--the rock--the earth it does slip from beneathe me--and some days--i swear the altitude is too much---because im at the same tree (that marks the red trail) as was day before--even a few steps back from where i was ---and right now the top seems life times---more than I have away---but I can see glimpses of the top Nate and I can also see the overgrown-once matted path that I stand on now-----

 

And you know what that's the first time in a long time.