Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

     I sat at the back of the class room every year. But i was fine with it, I don’t like when people talk to me (it makes me thing they are judging me). I was depressed, and I was fine with admitting it. I wasn’t about to lie to myself. 
     One day, I got so upset with myself that I got a pencil sharpener, took the blade off and cut. I wear long sleeves al the time, even in the summer. When people notice the scars, I tell them it was my cat. But no one cared enough that they didn’t notice that I don’t even have a cat.
      My friend killed herself last summer. I don’t like saying “killed” but everyone that I need to except the fact that, that’s what it is. Death. 
      One day I want some one to ask if I’m ok. I’ll say “I’m fine” like always, then the will hug me tight, and whisper in my ear, “I know your not.” 
     People usually avoid me but acknowledge me at the same time, it’s hard not being understood. People in a way don’t give a sh*t about you at the same time, they do. I would never actually kill myself, because someone might actually care about me, I couldn’t put someone through that pain. Grief. It’s the worst pain you will ever feel.
      I’ve stopped eating. I feel fat, even though I know I’m not. And sometimes I have to eat so I throw up after because I am self conscious. 
     I’ve been used by guys, I’ve been hurt by girls, I’ve been hit by my mom, and cursed by the world.
     It’s 2:17 am and insomnia keeps me up, and I have go to school at 7:00. My grades are slipping, because I don’t care anymore. My teachers think I’m gonna kill myself, but they don’t understand that I can’t bring myself to do that.
     It’s now 2:20, and I don’t feel anymore tired than I did 3 minuets ago. My mother won’t take me to talk to anyone, even thought it might help. But I’m so antisocial that I would have a anxiety attack just by walking into the room.
      I listen to VERY depressing music. My favorite is: Life In My Stomach by BMike. Or Her Last Words by Courtney Parker. 
     No one understand that anxiety holds me to my bed. People ask “where did anxiety come from?!”, when we talk about depression. Anxiety is the distant cousin from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party! But I don’t want to have this party in my head, and apart of me! I want it gone! Away from me! I want it dead! When ever u go to a doctor, all they do it tell me I’m depressed (something I already know) and try to stuff pills down my throat! I want help! Not pills. 
     When I take pills, I feel... worse. 
     But I got called fat, I decided that I can’t deal anymore. I wrote a letter with my hands shaking wild “look at me now! Are you proud of your precious child?” I want someone to walk in and see my dead body hanging from the ceiling! 
     I continue writing, “I’m sorry mom but this world is just not my place, I’ve tried for so long to fix this and fit in, I’ve come to realize this worlds full of sin. There is nothing for me here, I’m just a waste of space, I’ve got no reason to stay here with this awful race. It’s a disgrace, I was misplaced, born in the wrong time and in the wrong place. It’s ok though ‘cause you’ll seem to seem you know when your time comes just look at the moon, as it shines bright throughout the night, just remember everyone’s facing their own fight, but I can’t deal with the pain, I’m not a fighter, you’ll make it through the night, just hug your pillow tighter. So let the world know that I died in vein, because the world around me is the one to blame. And in a year I know you’ll forget I’m gone, ‘cause I’m not really something to be dwelled on. That’s what they used to tell me all those kids at school, so I’m going by the law, majority rules. My presence on this earth is not needed any longer and if anything I hope this makes you stronger. You were the best friend that I ever had, such a shame I had to make you so very sad. Just remember you ment everything to me, and to my heart your the only one that held the key. Now it’s time for me to go, I’m running out of space to write, yes I lost my fight, but please just hold on tight, I’m watching over you from the clouds above, sending down the purest and whitest dove to watch over you and be my helpful eye so this is it world... goodbye.” 

    At 2:57pm Marrissa Mondale died, March 1st 2018




























SUICIDE NOT FROM COURTNEY PARKER HER LSDT WORDS.