Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

It isn't what is said but the things never spoken that really matter. At least that how it is for me. There is always something that I manage to hide. Things that most would never suspect flow through my mind, making me wonder what is real and what is a nightmare in my life.

Who am I really? Am I the child or the adult? Am I me or am I not? What is true or what is a lie? Will I ever be able to tell? Will I ever speak the words I really want to say or will I hide away the brokenness I feel inside?

The truth is I'm damaged. I know what my condition is called. Dissociation. In some cases my only defense, in others my greatest nightmare. If only I could explain what it's like for me. If only I could make other experience the things I can't explain. Then again, I wouldn't want anyone to feel the insanity that I have lived with for so many years.

Perhaps, this is the only way to share the voice that I locked away during my greatest episode of denial. That is what dissociation really is. My need for things to be different that never will be by my own actions. A situation that I can do nothing for. 

But this is why I continuously come. I come for the child, too small to defend herself. I come for the girl who thought her actions could change the hearts of two bitter and angry people. I come for the teenager who didn't understand why. Most of all, I come forward for the damaged adult who has spent the last decade picking up the pieces of her shattered  heart.

The decision was mine alone. To lie and deny myself or to speak the truth. In my heart I knew what I had to do. I cannot lie anymore. The truth is what it is. It cannot be change with a lie. 

The damage they caused me is more than I can ever express. So I left. I put them out of my life. That was my decision. To separate myself from the horror relationship that was festering with lies and denial. A relationship that constantly filled my heart and mind with thoughts of disgust. For I am not entirely without singing in my life.

If only the world would understand that I separated myself from the very people who left me to sing a thousand times. If only they would understand my need to walk away from my parents.

If only the world would understand. If I followed them I might not have survived. The thought that they were willing to risk me for their own gain. I ran and ran and ran and ran. Yet no matter how many times I was always brought back to this decision.  My
 choice were them or God. For if I followed them, I would have gone against God.

If only they would see. I could never date for the sake of the church. If a man wants God then he would be in church first. I am not bait. I am not a worm on a book that you throw out to catch the biggest fish. 

If only they would lose their pride, then maybe they would see. Threatening to kick me out to live in the streets. The put me in danger when they had people following me. They are more insane then they would ever admit.

I could never stay when I was treated that way. I could never stay in a cage no matter how pretty it seems inside. I am not a prize to be captured or an object to be used. I was never placed here to serve them. I was placed here to serve God and that is what I will do.

So even if the world is against my decision, I will not change my mind. God comes first in my life and he is leading me to a better life. I don't need the opinions of the world to make my decision. Do you?