Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

    Some people call me crazy, and other's call me insane. I understand that these things are true. My mother tells me that I have early on set schizophrenia. I still don't quite understand what it is, so I can't explain it much. All I know is that I basically live in my own reality. I see things that aren't there, things that no one else sees. It's not as bad anymore, but it used to be constant. I remember times when I've been so afraid that I just cried. After all being only twelve and people telling you that you have schizophrenia isn't fun. Since as far back as I can remember I've always seen these things, these creature that are there, that only I can see. Of course, I've been dealing with it my whole life, so I've gotten used to it. I never really feel safe, because I see things, and it bothers me. We move to a new house every school year, and there's something different in every house. Once I see these things, they are everywhere I am. They don't just go away because I want them to, they stay with me. I also have paranoia, and that kinda makes things worse. Not many people really believe what I say, they think I just want to get attention. Really when I see these things I get scared, because I don't understand it. I'm not good at explaining how I feel. I can only explain it in four different ways: my music, my art, my writing, and my riddles. I find it easy to explain myself in these ways, but not many people understand me. No one will understand how I feel, unless, they have truly been through what I have been through. 
     School has always been really hard for me regarding to my problems. I'm in 6th grade now, and I've never failed and I've always been an all A student. I find it hard to focus in class, because I see little things, little distractions. When I try to ignore it, it only gets worse. I find sleeping hard, which makes waking up harder. I never really tell people about my problems because they think I'm crazy. And when I try to explain, nothing comes out how I want it to. My friends just pretend to believe me, because they are my friends. I still don't really know how to explain how I feel about Schizo.
     Here I am awake when I should be asleep. I can't sleep because I'm afraid. Now I can't say I'm afraid of the dark. No, no, no. That's not what I fear. I am afraid of what is hiding in the dark. The creatures that blend in so you can't see them and at last moment they come out and scare you. Still people say "You just want attention" or "You're lying". If only they knew how true it is. If they had to live a day of my life, they wouldn't know how to handle seeing things. Only someone with Schizo (or someone who had or has to study it) will ever know how it truly feels. I've always been picked on for being different, for having problems. People pick on me because of how kind I am. If only they knew how my life is every day. It's normal for children to see things when they're little because they have an active imagination. I am past the age where I should've stopped seeing things, and I may never stop seeing things. 
      I have learned that it doesn't matter what other people think of me. So what if I have Schizophrenia, so what if I have paranoia. I am who I am, and I'm proud that I'm not like everyone else. I know that because I'm awake now when I should be sleeping, it will be hard to wake up for school in the morning. But that is my everyday life. I'm just about used to it by now. My parents hate how I fear every little thing, but I can't help it. I'm scared to stay home by myself because I get paranoid. I'm scared to hold babies because I get paranoid. I'm scared to be alone in a room with a small child because I get paranoid. People take to advantage that I'm easy to scare, but they should think if they were me how would they feel. But they honestly don't care.
           It's now the end of a school day. Today we had an active shooter drill. Being in the dark for the period of time was terrifying. Once I got paranoid I started seeing things. Things at the window, The creatures hiding in the dark. And with every blink they got closer and closer.
     It has been yet another day at school. It's Friday and I'm gonna stay at my grandma's house for part of the weekend, than, go home to work on my project for science. My schizophrenia doesn't bother me as much as it used to other than the fact that I always feel like I'm being watched. My mom says my schizophrenia isn't as bad as it is for some people.I think I just have an over active imagination, but the people a I had to talk to agreed with my mom. They said I needed to be put in medicine, but my mom said no. She told me that the medicine wouldn't work and that things would only get worse if I took. Though I feel unsafe in my own house because of the creatures hiding in the dark. My light went out on Monday or Tuesday and has been out all week so my room is pretty dark. It's not that I don't like the dark. The dark is awesome. It's just that the things in the dark scare me. It's almost like it's really there and I'm almost sure it's real but I know that it's not real.