Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

There is a side to me that the world will never know.
Inside my brain are thoughts and I have no controll over  thoughts as they come and go through my head. I do have controll in not letting these thoughts become actions.
It doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, these thoughts constantly manifest themselves. Many times I am horrified  at fact that I am having these thoughts. But you would never know this, because I have the ability to keep them in my head and never let them out. There was a  very short part of my life many years ago, when they did get out and that is a time I try to never think about. I did some very bad things, not bad enough to go to jail or anything.  But still, some very bad things. Drugs played a part in it of course.
I dumb down my feelings these days with pain relievers.  They seem to really help keep my bad thoughts locked up in a vault. When I stop taking them, it seems that all my raw emotions and drives start to surface. Who knows, I might even be strong enough now to stop taking the pain meds and still control my thoughts. I have grown strong over the years.
I often wonder if the average person gets the same thoughts and they are able to push them away much quicker.
These thoughts do not define me. My love of God and all his children. Plus the belief in all that is good is what defines me.