Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Dear Ally

Wow, it's been almost a year now since you died. It still feels like just yesterday you were at the farmer's market making balloon animals and showing off your card tricks to the children passing by. 

I still look back on all the times we went to scout camps together. Like when we were 13, you had a huge crush on this boy (as usual) but instead of refering to his name we called him "chocolate" because of his dark brown eyes. You talked about him non stop, it got annoying after awhile but I understood that you really liked him and couldnt help it. You were notoriously  boy crazy back then. He found out you know. Apparently tent walls aren't sound proof. Chocolate and I still laugh about it when we get together at those camps. I even have that as his name in my phone.

I also remembered when I heard you were sick. It was at one of those Scout camps we loved so much. I didn't believe it at first, after all who could? You seemed so happy and full of life, you would be the last person I would have thought to have it. You still put on magic shows that was equal parts standup and magic in all honesty, you even still did wrestling dispite always being in and out of hospital. Everyone loved you, everyone cared, you just couldn't see it. 

A year later I got diagnosed with the same illness. I regret distancing myself from you, you have to understand I did that out of love. I was afraid that if I told you, you would get worse. So I just kept starving in secret till I wound up in hospital. 

I was so greatfull the day I saw you doing your magic show at the farmer's market. I was still so thin you everything that had passed. I remember the sadness in your voice when you said "That wasn't supposed to happen to you." It broke my heart. That day we promised to support eachother no matter what and recover together. But you broke that promise. 

A couple months later my mom came home, I was watching the Olympics. I forget which event but it doesn't matter anyway. She sat down next to me and said gently "Ally is dead." My whole world flipped upside down, I remembered​ thinking we had just Skyped​ the night before, you seemed fine. My mom was optimistic and thought it was from the complications of our shared diagnosis but I knew it was suicide.  

The day of your visitation and funeral was surreal. I still can't erase the image of you laying in that coffin with the baby doll you had brought to so many Scout camps. I wanted to yell at you and call you a traitor. Shake you awake and reveal that this was all just a big magic show you had put on but to my horror it was not. I'm never going to forget your father coming up to me and crying "don't let this happen to you." He hadn't even shed a tear till then. 

You left me to do this by myself, you hung yourself and left me here without your love, understanding, and support. I'm happy that you are no longer in pain and I feel selfish for wanting to keep you here. 

I wrote you this letter to tell you. I still love you and I kept my end of the deal. I got better, it wasn't easy but I did it. I knew that you would want me to recover from anorexia nervosa and live a happy life. I'm now in university studying to become something I've always dreamed of becoming. I've also met my own "chocolate" we have been dating for 9 months now. 

I hope to see you after a long life, I hope you are watching over me experiencing everything with me. 

You are always in my heart