Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

My whole life I've been scared.
Scared to express my emotions.
Scared to say who I love.
Scared to be okay, because I've been so blatantly Not Okay for so long I barely know what being Okay is like.

I've always told myself to be strong.
Don't cry.
Don't show tenderness.
Don't show how broken you feel inside.

It was a carefully crafted facade I had built up over so long to keep myself from getting hurt again.

Too many times I've thrown aside the shell- the mask, I've crafted for myself and shown the tenderness swirling beneath only for someone to take that tenderness by the collar and stab it in the chest.

I didn't want to feel vulnerable.
Hurt.
Betrayed.

So I toughened the shell and retreated into it as far as I could.

It really didn't work.


I used to be afraid of tears, you know. I had built myself such a strong aversion to my own tears that if someone else cried I practically fled. 

I was scared of something so natural, so human, and I had built myself up thinking that crying was weak.

I blame my numerous toxic friendships of course, but I can't help blame myself for allowing myself to be bent and twisted up in such a way.

And despite everything, I must admit that one thing has come out of it all.

 I met a group of people. And I've grown to love these people with every ounce of my being.

They're like family to me.

They haven't tried to rip my shell away from me.

They let me creep out of it as fast or slow as I need. 

The shell isn't gone yet. I've had it for far too long for that just yet.

But I'm slowly leaving it behind.

Because I trust these people, and that says so much, especially when I vowed to never trust again.

They dont betray me. They don't mock me.

They listen.

They keep my secrets confidential.

They're there for me when I need them.

They were there when I was broken and they stayed with me.

And by some miracle they're still here. And I have a feeling they won't leave. 

I have a friend who feels as twisted up and hurt inside as I used to. And by god I'll be there for her.

Because no one should have to suffer alone. No matter what.