Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I make mistakes; sometimes quite often.  I try not to let them hold me down. It helps to have people in my life that don't mind slapping me silly when they see me slipping. Hell of a thing to admit, no?

But there are so many things I still have to learn and I can acknowledge that with a clear heart. Living as I have behind walls for so many years is no excuse. Even in prison I had to learn how to set goals for myself and stay focused in order to achieve them. There are some truths that apply no matter which environment you are in, and this is definitely one of them.

I have to stay in my lane. I can determine a direction I need to travel, map out a course, even do all my research and prepare myself in every way I can think of, but if I don’t stick to my course it means nothing.

The truth is, in many ways, I have trouble staying on track. I am a notorious procrastinator. I take ADD to another level when it comes to getting distracted from sitting down and doing things. I have been blessed to have some very good people around me though. People who love and guide me, and when I veer off course are there the help me get back on track. 

Of course, people will not always be around. My little sister asked me the other day, “What will you do, Big brother, when there is no one there to guide you back on course?” I had several quick responses ready but you can’t answer too quickly when dealing with Zee. In prison it was pretty much "Do or Die". By that I mean it was completely up to me to determine the direction I wanted to go in life. No on cared or gave a damn if I vegetated in front of the TV, wasted every moment  of my time and they were, for the most part, just as indifferent if I earned college credits or studied every waking moment I had. No, it was totally up to me and looking back on it I can honestly say I should have done so much more because even in there, I had this problem.

It took years for me to get comfortable with my lane in prison. Though in many ways the roads out here look similar, they are not. It is no wonder that I have come to rely so fully on other people's opinion and advice to help me when I get lost or confused. It happens much and often. Every day I find something foreign to me as compared to what I am familiar with from prison life. In fact, However, I am coming to realize that by depending on others so much I fail to pursue my own way. Why struggle trying to find answers when I can have them handed to me? “What will I do if I have to rely on myself?” Damn good question.

This idea of “Stay In Your Lane” becomes more and more true the longer I think of it. Using driving as an example to give me a mental picture is perfect. I can clearly understand the danger of veering off into the wrong lane. No one has to tell me to be extremely careful about my driving. No one has to take me by the hand or force me to focus and pay attention to the road. Not only that, when I am driving, I allow very few things to distract me. I don’t waste my time or take chances, period. To me driving is serious business. 

So why don’t I have as healthy an appreciation for staying in my lane in other ways. Even as OCD as I am about my driving, there are circumstances I face that cause me to make mistakes. Even with a GPS I have gotten lost before. I’ve had trouble pulling onto and out from exits on the interstate. I can see that sometimes shit happens and there is nothing you can do but hold steady; make your best effort to stay on track. But even in that, If I stay in my lane I will eventually get safely where i am wanting to go.

I make a big deal about this and even get a little dramatic when I am challenged, but I am progressing. It is like a splash of cold water on my face whenever she challenges me about myself. Sometimes it is difficult for me to see things clearly. It wouldn't make a bit of sense to anyone if I try to convince them I am in the right lane when they know I am not. I can easily get confused about which route to take and when I see my ideas don't match anyone’s reality but my own, well - for some reason that pisses me the hell off.  As a result, what I put out is hardly understandable and. It is normally around this point I will feel the uncomfortable slap from my baby Sister. 

Staying in my lane offers a familiar perception. It is a way of looking at things that will help me and I am so grateful for the kind of love that takes its time to bare with me. I am confident that I will get this. Driving is a perfect analogy of navigating this journey of life. The roads twist and turn. Sometimes there is a lot of traffic; sometimes you’re the only thing on the road for miles and miles before you see anyone, and sometimes it is scary and dangerous. Mostly, I am finding that living out here in the free world is pretty damn awesome. It is my journey.

 Since coming out of prison there have been many opportunities for me to learn about who I am and the direction I am going in life. There is a road stretched out before me. I have a purpose to strive towards. I can see the finished books sitting on a shelf in my living room. I can see the job I will have and though I can’t see the girl I will have yet, I trust God that there will be one in my life. The destination is before me and I am on my way. if

… I stay in my lane.