Soul Sister Read Count : 181

Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A
I met Zee on Facebook not long after I got out of prison. The progress of computer technology since I was locked up over thirty-two years ago is amazing to me. They do not allow internet access in prison and though we have read about it, taken some courses and have seen it on the TV - none of it really prepared me for the total fascination with it once I became exposed.  I had made a comment on a post one of the guys from our Lifer's program had posted. It was addressed to her and I believe, out of curiosity for the comment I made to him in response, she sent me friend request. There isn’t any real way to describe what happened once I began to get to know her. It was at a difficult time in my life. I had just been released and was having a hell of a time getting used to my new liberty. In truth, I didn't feel I belonged. I felt like there was a sign around my neck that everyone could see that said, "Ex-Con, Society Reject". We began messaging each other every day. I saw a heart that genuinely cared and she expressed herself with such a genuineness I fell immediately in love with her. Yeah, I fell totally in love.

My transition from the conditions of prison to freedom has taken me all over the place. It has been a year and a half now and I am still, in so many ways, trying to find my balance. At the time I met Zee I had been out a little over three weeks and I remember one afternoon I had a panic attack in the elevator at work. The reality of being free overwhelmed the shit out of me and I freaked out a little. I hit her up. The comfort and advice I received from her set me back on my feet and as the weeks and months passed I began to rely heavily on her for guidance and direction. 

Prison is a harsh environment.  The majority of my time was spent finding things to do during count-time. I read literally hundreds of books over the years waiting for count to clear. I also learned a love for writing. Letters and pen-pals were ok, but in most cases, as the years began to pass, the letters would eventually dry up. You can only go so far falling in love behind the fences. No, I turned my passion to poetry, short stories and outlines of things I would like to do should I every make it out of prison alive. 

I wasn’t used to having anyone care for me. Everyone has an angle, a con, or some kind of game to play. Living like I did in that place trained me to recognize "game". I can see it a mile away and in the same respect, I recognize a genuine spirit when I see one. With her, there was no mistake. 

It would be impossible to describe the impact she had on me. Things that had been bottled up inside me came pouring out of me through her skillful probing. She opened me up in an incredible way and I had no problem letting her into my deepest places. In prison you can't show what is  truly going on inside. If your expose something that makes you afraid, what do they do, they use it to manipulate you or toy with your ass. Boredom is one of the biggest obstacles we have to overcome in there and I learned really quick how vicious it was to become the focus. So I isolated my emotion. I separated my self from my true feelings and what I thought others would accept to keep me safe. I could be so afraid I felt I could damn near pee on myself, I would never let it show. I could be totally moved my the suffering of someone and in the same way, walk right past it. I turned it off. Meeting Zee meant more to me than just having someone pretty awesome to talk to. To me, having her in my life began to transform the way I was living. Delicately, piece by piece she restored my soul. I told her everything. 

One day I shared with her that I had never been with a woman before. This has always been one of those things that I buried under lies and fake stories. It used to terrify me that people would find out about it and think less of me; even more frightening to me, ask why or how I could be as old as I am and still not have ever had any pussy. Being abused at a very young age does weird things to people, me - it short circuited my confidence with girls. She didn't laugh at me or make fun of it but in her way coaxed the story out of me and listened. 

I had been molested by a man on a naval base in Jacksonville when I was 9 years old. Though at the time I never realized how big a deal it was I knew that what had happened to me was so incredibly wrong that it changed the way everyone treated me at home. I felt rejected and on some fundamental level knew I was messed up. When I became old enough to really become interested in girls I was too afraid that maybe they to would find out and reject me as well. It was safer to just never get to close to anyone. Sharing this with her was probably the bravest thing I have ever done. 

I met lots of girls on Facebook. I was drawn just as you would imagine a truly starving 50 year old virgin man would be. It wasn't long before Zee found about it. Was it the gentle sweet caring voice that listened so patiently as I poured my heart out? No, she let me have it, both barrels blazing. On every level that is important to me she struck with words of such common good sense and  wisdom I could only hang my and agree that I was being an idiot. Girls in Ghana can't sit at a dinner table with me or share their laughter but most importantly chatting on Facebook is no way to get to know a girl. So often she would tell me to be patient for love, “Wait on it”. One day I will meet a girl and love will find me I only have to trust and have faith.

Slowly but surely she helped me to gain confidence in myself and in who I am as a person. For someone who had lived behind a mask pretty much his whole life  this was huge. Months turned past a year and she has never given up on me. Our relationship today isn't without struggles and she will still get all over my ass for not living up to the potential she knows I have in me, but I thank God for the day when I wrote that comment, "Little Sisters Rock!" on my friends wall. Though we began only as "Friends" on Facebook she is Zee ZuIu and today we are more than friends, we are family.

Comments

  • Aaaww..... you are too kind.💜 Truthfully, I am happy to see you get back in the swing of things. This is a beautifully written piece, for real. I'm not saying that because the piece is written about me, (you know i'm not conceited), but it is the fact that I know i wasn't wrong about you. You have the gift but you had msplaced it. This piece tells me that you've found it back. Good to have you back, big brother! Keep writing, keep shining and keep on keeping on. 💜

    Feb 04, 2018

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