Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

The doctor froze as he stared at the results on the desk in front of him. He looked up, and with sympathetic eyes., he told my parents and I, that I had cancer. It wasn’t long before tears ran down mothers cheeks like a rejuvenated river. My dad, just stood there static in the corner of the room, his face pale and expressionless like a leech sucked  him dry from his emotions. I sat in the seat beside my mom biting what was left of my jaggered and deteriorated fingernails. Despite the attempt to hide the fear and anger I was feeling the doctor could see the weeping girl inside of me. 
 After the cold and silent drive back home, I went straight to my room and fell to my bed. I was lost in my head. I entered a state of Deeping thinking almost like I was consciously sleeping. It was only after the alarming factor that I had a exam the following day that I rose from the bed and began prepairing myself. It was at this moment that I knew three things, one – that I was very sick, two – I was in the middle of my Matric final exams. I needed to finish what I started, and three – I was about to go through something that had the potential of  actually killing me.
I wrote each exam with masses growing like a morula inside of me, only faster. The pain was permanently stabbed into my abdomen and the pain so sever the sweat poured down my head like rain water running off the roof during a storm. I was determined and sure that I wanted to get through each exam and I almost did until the pain became to unbearable and the state I was in  to sever. I was rushed early the next morning to hospital. Where the beginning of my nightmare only just began. 
Finally The severity of my cancer was revealed, and so it was called burkitt’s lymphoma cancer. I was in stage four In a matter of 6 weeks. My kidneys weak, liver infected and so was my colon. When the morphine wore off I woke up to a swollen body. The room I was in span like a car tire. I felt sick. The doctors prescribed me my first dose of chemo. They also told me that I’d be a inpatient for 5 weeks at a time with only 3 days break at home in between each chemo session.
Suddenly everything became reality to me! I moved across the ward with my swollen legs, dropped to the floor in the bathroom and finally all the tears that I had been holding back, erupt like a storm. These emotions I was feeling were normal. They came to me In stages. Shock, confusions, numbness, depression and anger. 
Every morning I was woken up at 4am to bath and have my bed made. Each day that I did use the bathroom I’d stare at a reflection I didn’t even know anymore. This hairless, crack lipped and swollen person who stood before me in the mirror wasn’t the person I recognised. The life I was to adapt to here wasn’t the lifestyle I planed. It was tough adjusting to the main factor that I couldn’t be me anymore, not at this hospital not ever. Despite the nausea, weakness and how fragile I had physically become,my life was to be surrounded by cancer – even when I’m healed there will always be that dreaded factor that it may come back. 
Social media only made this state I was in worse, while people I knew posted pictures of them parting, I only missed the feeling of the wind breaths.