Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I always looked down the tunnel of life and worried. The worries come from my past, my insecurities and my loss. As I journey through the possibilities and the probabilities, I still see darkness. Although others see light for me, I see nothing but a pitch black tunnel with no openings.
    so I then settled. Settled On the thought of being alone, ironically I'm never alone. In my mind, heart and soul i realize that i may not find someone who I'll want to have around forever or let into my bubble. The irony is I always have another body beside me to share my experiences with. Maybe because I am afraid of being alone or maybe I'm trying to fill a void within the dark tunnel I see. Which ever it may be I always have a body next to me. It doesnt matter if I truly believe in a future with them or not. I keep them around until It falls apart. Then off to the next, my heart is longing for something real, someone passionate. It has yet to discover the beauty of love.
    That takes me to him. The one I'm seeing the one with the beautiful daughter from another woman. This man makes that tunnel seem wider, brighter and not as long. I am aware that the tunnel I see may never disappear. Although, when I am with him I see the possibility of that dark tunnel fading away as if it were a memory and not a life style. I am closed off from the world and so was he. He sees this tunnel that I live in but he lives in one too. Yet, he has light to guide him. To add he is aware of my dark past and Im learning his but he truly wants me to be happy and free and I wish for him to be happy and free. 
      The man says to me firmly" ypu need to get out of your bubble." 
      "That is my safe zone and I like it." I respond. Although I hate it, I hate the fact I can't escape it and it's controlling me from the inside out. He sees that even with a smile on my face he sees the heart ache, the pain and the longing for my happily ever after.
       He knows I let people in but once they get too close and comfortable I retreat and send them off lost and hurt. not intentionally but I do know I hurt them and it kills me. This man sees that and sees the bright side of me. He looks into my ice cold eyes and sees warmth and glimmers of hope. What he doesnt know is that hope, is because of him. This man is a blessing in my life, he has been stripping away the darkness like my knight in shining armor.  I grew attached to the darkness and became used to it's life sucking power. 
     He doesn't fear the darkness that is within me or surrounding me.  He parades through it with good intentions, a warm heart, and a goal. A goal to make me his, to make me smile and to help me grow as a person. To expand my perspective and my bubble. I have a bubble like many others. It's the safe space I stay in and don't escape, don't let others in. It's the area I am comfortable in once I step out I panic and go back in. He is the one I love. He is the one who holds my heart and for eternity I will hold his.