Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

March 5, 2017

If I took a long string and laid it out, and pinpointed big moments in my life, the ones we say define who we are, March 5, 2007, gets a cluster of them. The exponential effect of that day still hasn’t been easy to calculate. 

I have been waiting on the 10 year anniversary for a long time, wondering where I would be, who would be standing next to me, if all the questions I had that day and since then would be answered. Well, ironically, I came back to the same house I started in when I got out, still single, and ask more questions now than I knew existed(especially since the Cubs won the World Series.)

That day did define me, in a sense. But, more importantly, it helped define who I WAS NOT. 

Within a 3 ft. radius two 155mm artillery shells that would have destroyed a tank, flipped a 5,000 lb. humvee higher than a basketball hoop and slammed it back onto the asphalt with an amount of force that you don’t just hear, but feel. Seconds before, the vehicle in front was sprayed relentlessly with I.E.D. shrapnel from the left. I checked comms to try and reach them. Reality sets in for some. For Blake it did. 

The last thing said in there was me stating "Blake, we’re good, this humvee is untouchable. Tell him Ryan(Russell)...(his remark)These motherf*ckers don’t want none of this, Son! (As I smile and look back to Blake) This vehicle has never been hit in country. Ever. I got you man." Literally, not even fade to black. Just black.

Their sacrifice. That moment. Defined who I am not. I was HUMBLED and hardened with a STRENGTH few will ever have. All those years that my dad taught me to be confident and not cocky because of all the gifts I had was realized. Because when a wife loses her husband, a loving mother loses her son, a little boy loses his father and you are the one who has to tell your Mom that she almost lost her first born(way to go 1/12 INF. Battalion) you see that gifts are given and they damn sure can be taken away. 

We’re given these gifts because we are deserving in the eyes of the giver. It’s when you take them for granted that you get reminded of how much you actually have. Because of the others that do not.

I was FORTUNATE, but need to be more GRATEFUL. This life isn’t meant to be spent alone. I hadn’t done much but drive nice cars, wear over-priced clothes and drink up to that point. I won’t ask another to sacrifice what I or they have, but to be supportive and try to understand. Because while most live hiding in fear, I live looking for a purpose. 

I’ve seen the worst. So I’m not scared. Give me a purpose and you don’t have to be scared. I was given a PURPOSE, but it won’t be realized until I look in the right DIRECTION.

I will never know Blake’s wife Joanna’s pain and/or hope I never do Ryan’s Mom Kathy’s. Though time passes, thoughts of you all never leave me. Four men entered a vehicle that day, only one was pulled out. The world may have lost a lot that day to many. For that, I am sorry.

Through more LOSS, the least I can say to you and your families is that I have GAINED. I don’t live for myself. I always have for others. I live every day with their lives kept in my memory. I have been BURDENED, but am DRIVEN in ways most don’t see. The last energy they had was spent in my presence and vice versa. I have the privilege to have that to carry with me.

I have a lot to CARRY, which is why I try and SHARE. I don’t BOAST and do not DEGRADE. The more POSITIVE I become the more NEGATIVITY it brings. Shockingly, I feed off it. It gives me the hunger to just do it more often. This life and body are temporary.

Remember that we are souls that have a body. Not the other way around. While I think I have been blessed, it doesn’t define who I am. Nor does any of this. It defines who those men were, because of who I am not. Few have been chosen and tested to try it. None were thought to or could’ve survived. After 10 years, after so many judgments, thoughts, opinions, discussions, memories and ideas...on the 10 year anniversary, to you all, my message is simple. 

Because of you all I AM A BETTER PERSON.

I’m working on the complete package as a person. I am perfecting the things people can’t see first. The rest of it is easy. Most people have the things they can brag about, but I am trying for something better that brings a different kind of swag about. To be honest, I am proud that I can say that and mean it. To show you that many have not forgotten and more will continue to remember.

Though a long journey may have started that day, know that I am not done. I OWE you that much. I DO NOT TAKE IT FOR GRANTED. Because of this, I am always going to be THE SAME PERSON, but strive to be a/the BETTER MAN. 

Because when my time comes I want the words LOYAL, STRONG, INTELLIGENT, FAITHFUL, TALENTED, GRATEFUL, THINKER, TRUE FRIEND, RESPECTFUL, CHIVALROUS, ROMANTIC, THOUGHTFUL, UNBEATABLE, EMPATHETIC, HONEST, TRUSTWORTHY, EDUCATED, LOGICAL, EXTREMELY FUNNY, APPROACHABLE, FAIR, EMOTIONAL, DEDICATED, RESILIENT, LOVING, GENUINE, HANDSOME and of course...REAL, to be the words chosen to DEFINE who I was. Which is definitely who I am and who most men refuse to even try to be. 

When I fight, it’s for more than myself. Remember that. I’m not letting them down again. My Salute to Men like you for helping me be who I am and who I am trying to be. 

Blake Harris, Ryan Russell, and Barry Mayo. #RIPX3

“Maniac 1”
Corporal Ryan C. Hicks 11C 
(Infantry Mortarman)