Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

They used to say that the wounded can't help the broken. They say that you need to save yourself. They said that you have to take a break. All of these things i never followed.

I used to be the one to save those who traveled too far in their own thoughts full of nothing but darkness. It all started 2 months before i became a sophomore in highschool. I wanted to know what i'm meant to be, i soon found out.

One day during summer vacation, i decided to search around for an app that allowed me to support those who are depressed. I have no idea why i searched for that specific type of app. What im about to tell you is sad, and if you don't want to know what happens to people that preform suicide attempts, don't read the rest.

I was 15 at the time, im currently 16 now. Some of the extreme situations i was put into are the types of situations only suicide prevention hotline would deal with.

Within the first month of being on that app, i was already a changed person. I was suprisingly skilled at helping/saving people throughout my first month of being on the app. At first, it was easy. People would ask for advice, venting (telling me their situations and telling/expressing their emotions to me), they would even have full conversations with me. After a couple of days, i met someone who was severely depressed. Her name was lilly, and that's all i knew. I talked to her for a bit, got to know her situation and when it came close to dark outside, i told her that i would talk to her tomorrow. I had no idea what was about to happen the next day. She was so upset that day, and she told me she was gonna kill herself. It didn't exactly register because she said it out of nowhere. I tried to explain to her that things will get better over time. She didn't want to listen. She sent me a picture of her arm with deep cuts, blood everywhere. She was telling me that she did this a lot, and that it was a routine for her. She would cut herself all over her legs untill she couldn't walk. I know she's dead by now. I dealt with suicide every week for 6 months after that. They showed me their cuts because i told them to. Everyone told me to stop helping people because it was hurting me. I felt their emotions every time i talked to them, but i still came back every day. After dealing with people who had problems with suicidal thoughts, cutting, drug abuse, abusive parents, rape/ sexual assult, mental illnesses, ect... i got used to it. It suprised me that i got used to it so fast. Cutting was so common for people to do. I felt sad still, but it didn't affect me as bad as it used to.

Over the 7 months ive been on that app, ive stopped about 20 suicides and helped over 100 people. I only lost 2 people, but those 2 people i will always remember.

People told all of their friends and family about me, and more people wanted my help. I felt so important, but it was overwelming to talk to so many people. I knew i had to leave after that because even though i could save so many, i knew i wasn't helping them learn life skills. They all came to me because i knew the answer. It's kind of like when you don't know the meaning of a word, where would you look? A dictionary or the internet most likely. Both of those things are easy access to the knowledge you don't have. Both of those things don't allow you to learn as effective as if you were to take the time to study the word.

I feel so sad that i left that app because i could have saved more people. I could have given people a second chance to live. Ever since i left that app, i couldn't forget those people, and i never will. I'll have to accept that for the rest of my life.

To all who are reading this, i wouldn't advise you to ever experience this. It could change you in more ways than one. It is a very extreme thing to deal with because if you say one thing wrong, they could end up dead seconds later.

The screenshot that i put as the cover of this writing was sent from someone who i tried to save. She died within a month after she sent that to me.