Category : Adult

Sub Category : Graphic novel

Chapter 1
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I want to be a wind...

Because everybody feels the wind...

Even if they cannot see it...

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There's so many things that humans regret in their life. Their sins are first to the list, lost love, dead loved ones, things they left behind, things they did that they wish they shouldn't have and so on.

Other things they did was just a minor regret.

There's a deep ones too.

I have mine too. I regret the day I became aware of things.

I regret the day I became aware of reality and realize that I am...

Sad...

Alone...

Broken...

A trash...

No one to love...

And no one loved...

I'm a disgusting person...

And I am sure you will be disgusted too when you finally hear my story...

You'll be disgusted by this...

By the story of my life...

I am Yohan...

And this is my story.

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   My name is Yohan. I was different as a child. I'm a lively, happy, intelligent, loving sweet child that everybody adores. I have a different kind of beauty too that everyone always notice. They said I am too beautiful to be a boy and my family always laugh it off.

I am a a beautiful boy that looks like a girl.

That's what other people tells me. Things that makes my heart swell and  words that's sure to put a big smile on my lips.

I have a nice and happy family. I have a lovely mother that I called Mama. She's beautiful and I look like her my father said. She is a very loving mother that always there for me and two older brothers. She protected us, loved us and teaches us how to be a proper human. She really loved us so much.

I have a strict father that always protect me and my brothers. Especially me. A father who I always looked up to. A very loving but strict father who take no shit from people.

I have two brothers too.

The eldest named Kurt, my twenty five year old  big brother that works as a manager in a big Hotel. He is kind and responsible and he always spoil me. He always gave me what I asked of him and the only thing he never like is when you touch his things without his permission. All in all. He's a very sweet and nice big brother.

Then there is Dennis. He's twenty three and he's a spoiled brat. A bit of emo, hard headed and so easy to get pissed at things. He loves staying with his friends, but he's actually a nice guy. He looks cold but he really is sweet inside. The only thing I don't like in him was he's a homophobic.

Despite all of our differences, we are a happy family and we stay together. We believed that when things get out of hand, and problems arise, it will all get better if we stayed together and help each other. And the only negative thing my family has was... they are homophobic. They hate people that are different.

And that's the reason why I can't show them who I really was. The reason why I cannot and will never tell them.

The very reason why I cannot tell them my one only secret.

I can't understand myself. I remember I don't usually swing this way. There's three strict male living with me all the time but I still end up liking someone like me. I realised being this way isn't really a head problem nor a sickness. Not even a mental problem. You are this way because you are this way. You are who you really are. No one can tell you to be the way they want you to be. You can't even force yourself to be someone you cannot. You cannot stop being gay, lesbian, bisexual or anything. You can't because you just cant.

I cannot show my family who I really am. I cannot show it where ever I go, fearing that if I get discovered, my family would hurt me, much worst shun me. Making them angry and them despising me is the last thing I want.

I was young when I realized that I belong to the third gender. That I am gay, when my teacher made me sit beside my handsome, classmate. I was ten years old back then and I thought me liking him was due the fact that he has a very liking attitude. Then I realize that that wasn't the case when I started to notice those other boys' looks too. I started to have a crush to other boys from my school aside from my seat mate. And I started to realize that  these things isn't a good thing because of the fact that my family isn't very accepting of things that are different. And the fact that they hate gays as much as they hate murderers and criminals on the same level made me shiver with fear.

Aside from murderers and criminals, my father hate the child molesters and rapist too. And he always told my brothers and mother that little young boys getting raped are common nowadays so we needed to be careful. He always told my eldest brothers that they needed to take care of me the most, especially when he isn't around. He also said that my beautiful face was a bait to those molesters. He always made sure that I am home before dark and there is always someone with me when I play outside the house. My mother sends me to the school and she fetch me herself too after school hours. I am a head turner even on my young age and my beauty isn't really normal for a boy like me. There's always a good thing for looking like a girl but there's always a bad thing too. 

I was seven when I first encounter the bad side of being beautiful. Although I was young and naive, that didn't stop those who love young beautiful boys to try and do disgusting things to me. One time, when I leave the house alone to buy at the store, there was a foreigner and he lived in an apartment nearby our house. He approched me and asked me if I want to go to his place and play with him. I reamembered feeling excited on having a new playmate. When I was a child, I always look at everything like the world was made of cupcakes and rainbows and every adult was a friend of every children, and there's no one capable of hurting a child. When the man started touching me to adore me, I get confused on why father get so angry at the foreigner who wants to play with me all of a sudden. I don't understand why he shouted colorful curses at the kind man that only wants to play. He saw us on the moment when the man holds my right hand firmly and I mistake his look as adoration. He was touching my hair too down to my jaw and to my lips. I loved it when he said I am beautiful because I really like it when other people likes me. I get so excited the moment when he said "Let's play together at my house, you'll love my toys I am sure." I was ready to go with him when suddenly my father called me. I was so surprise at my fathers call that I hadn't realise that the man on front of me started to stand slowly.

"Come back here Yohan! Stay away from my son you fucking shit!" That was the words that came out of my fathers mouth that time and the foreigner ran away, scared. I don't really understand why my father drove the man away and I don't understand why he get so mad so suddenly when he's so fine a minute ago.
 
A week after that there was a news about the foreigner. I listened to it carefully but I didn't really get what really happened or what's the news about. All I think about was he's so lucky he gets to appear on television. I remembered the news was all about a man that raped and killed some children from our town but I never really understood the meaning of everything. I saw some of our neighbors on T.V crying and hitting the kind man that wants to play. My brother, Kurt suddenly talked with an angry tone pointing at the man on the television.

"That trash need to be put to a death sentence! Mom, me and Dennis will send and fetch Yoyo from school from now on!" My brother Kurt said in an angry tone. I'm getting confused every minute and every time one of them talk, there is this underlying anger that I don't understand, that's why I asked him why he's angry.

"Brother, are you mad at me?"

He never answered my my question but I saw him smile tenderly before he pat me on my cheek.

They continued talking about things I do not understad. I was playing at my gameboy that time but despite that, I am all ears on their topic. Even though I gave my full attention, I don't really get what they are talking about. I know they are talking about the man but things really is confusing if you are an innocent child and naive to things only adult understand.

My father said...

"That mother fucker was the one I saw a week ago who tried to take Yoyo. If I wasn't there that time...god help me, I'll kill that bastard ten times over."

"I'll kill that asshole if that happens. No, death isn't enough for him." Kurt said.

"How'd he get caught? Did the parents saw him doing that to their kid?" Dennis asked in a confused tone. Full attention on the television. No one answered so mom decided to gave the answer that everyone is waiting.

"The last child that he tried to rape manage to escape and died when he get home. But before that the kid told his parents what really happened."

"The bastard fuc...." Father said but he didn't manage to finish what he's about to say when mom cut him off.

"Yoyo's in here!" 

"They said he was Sinodomized?" Dennis said while sighing.

"He's an animal! He deserve the worst death, that kid was as young as Yoyo here and the other kids he killed was too young to die too?" That was Kurt, gesturing to the device as if he can hurt the man whose face was shown on T.V

"You both, take care of your younger brother when I'm not here, you see, he already looks like a girl and that is bad enough." Both of my brothers nod while I smiled at them upon hearing my father said I looked like a girl. I know, I really am the family's favorite and that's another reason why I cannot show them what I really am. And that time, I only knows how to play and sleep and school.

Ask for a present. Ask for attention and being a child.

I haven't realised the danger of the real world. I haven't realise that the world is full of people who always takes advantage of the weak. I am just a child with a bright future waiting for me.

And I still didn't know the danger that awaits me. Danger that will change me and make me realize and see the real face of the world.

How I wish I stayed that way, naive and innocent.

How I really wish that you wont judge me when you finally hear my story.

I am Yohan, and I am here.

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Grammar error corrections and suggestions are welcome too. Please hell the author, thank you very much!!