Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Dear Friend,
I was wondering if I could share with you a memory that has been plaguing my mind. 
Year 12 Literature, one of my favourite classes. It was early on in the year, but we were already preparing for exams. The teacher had split the class into groups of silent reading, and quite discussion. 
I was contently reading when I over heard the conversation taking place on another table. At first it was innocent enough. A girl, whom I will name Ash, was vigorously telling the other about her recent 18th birthday. Another girl asked what it was like, and if she felt different being 18.
Ash responded with, "Well you have 18 year olds like me, who are mature and who take life seriously. And then you have 18 year olds like Kayla..."
In that moment she saw me watching, listening, and she lifted her head away from me..."who live in fairy land and will never grow up."

I had known Ash since early primary school. I had always respected her, I considered us on the lower spectrum of friends. I think thats why it hurt. I knew there were times my personality annoyed her, but I didn't know she thought so little of me. Her words weren't anywhere near worse insult that had been said to me. But we had had 7 years of classes together. She had plenty of oppertunities to find out why I acted the way I did.

My home life was miserable for me. My father had left and started a new family. My mother worked so hard to keep our heads above water. My sister took all her feelings out on me. I would shut myself my room most days just to escape her yelling. I pushed all my emotions down because I knew at home they would only make things worse.
At school I put on a smile. I thought if I pretended to be happy it would keep the tears away. I was bullied through primary school, but in upper high school I thought things were starting to get better.
Till I heard Ash. I snapped back into reality that people still saw me that way. They only saw the ignorant girl who tried to make people laugh. 

For a long time I thought it was unfair for her to say that because she didn't know what I was hiding. But then again, I didn't know if she was hiding anything. Maybe her life wasn'tas perfect as she made out. Maybe she needed to say that to feel better about herself.

I don't know, friend, I don't know what to think. Maybe I'm right, or maybe she was. Maybe I never grew up.
I just hope that you can see past the smile I put on.

Kayla
19/1/18