Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I knew I always wanted kids. Seeing a newborn baby makes me cry in a good way. I love holding and rocking babies. I was not ready for motherhood at the young age of 20. Girls have babies in their teens and they are amazing mothers. I was not a teen mom but I feel the struggle. My boyfriend at the time had another baby and another on the way. He told me he was not with his sons mother. I didn't know she was pregnant until I was pregnant. I used birth control which obviously didn't work for me. Anyways, I did all I could to keep my family together. It did not work. That's life. My oldest, a girl, was born in March. From day 1 it was just me. Her dad and I were on and off until she was a year old. Then I made him choose between me and the other girl. He chose her. I moved on.
So my best friend and I decided to get together. He had been trying to date me for 2 years. Not long after moving in together I found myself pregnant again. Even better, I found myself jobless. I was never jobless as long as I can remember. We ended up back at my grandmother's house. He was in and out claiming to be working. I knew better but I didn't want to admit I couldn't make a relationship work. I pretended to not know he had others on the side. I was unhappy. My 2nd daughter was born in March. He and I were together but we should of called it quits before she was born. Our relationship was unhealthy. Full of abuse on both ends. He didn't work and I was behind on bills. My credit went from 750 to 300. I was 23. Even now, almost 2 years later, I'm still working to fix my credit. My oldest daughter wasn't use to mommy not being able to just go but diapers when she was low. Now I was having to ask for help. I had my first c section with my 2nd child. Instead of going back to work immediately I decided to go to school. My ex was furious. He didn't think I should of finished my education. I was tired of being broke and trying to finish school and take care of 2 kids and a grown man. I got a new job. He ended up finally leaving for good and I felt free. It was amazing. I met a new guy and he was really sweet. My daughter wasn't even a year old when I discovered I was pregnant again. My school was not finished and I'm pregnant again. Even better, the doctor just gave me even more bad news. Not only was I alone again with 2 babies and 1 on the way, but I was fighting a life or death battle, for my son and myself.... Cancer. 
Being pregnant is scary enough. Add cancer to the mix. The doctor did not expect my son to survive pregnancy. He wasn't growing right and I was always sick. His heart stayed strong. Finally, I graduated. My son was growing everyday, I was still sick. Nobody wants to hear you're fighting for your health and your unborn child's health. What if I don't survive? Where will my kids go? Will they stay together? 
The day I was told it's a boy I had his name picked. His name means strong, manly. I needed him to be strong. That's a lot to put on a little fetus. My job was to protect him. How can I keep him safe when I can barely afford to put gas in the car? I'm so beyond thankful for my grandma. She's provided my family a roof over our heads. Words cannot express the amount of gratitude for her. 
Finally the 3rd trimester. My pregnancy seemed to be going fine, well as good as it can for what is going on. I was always sick. Oh it's just the stomach bug or morning sickness. With that, low potassium and sodium. High heart rate. A lot of pain. I felt so close to death. I couldn't pick up my daughters because I was hurting so bad. I was always tired and sore. I was ready to stop being pregnant and begin to beat the cancer. I was thrilled when the Dr said I could get my tubal. No more kids. The other 2 pregnancies weren't easy but this was by far the most difficult. I missed several appointments due to being sick and told just go to the hospital. I finally made it to one. The one that changed my life. What seemed like a normal ultrasound turned my world around. The technician didn't say much. I got the pictures. His heartbeat was strong. His movements were frequent. My heart was full. I saw the doctor right after. He expressed concerns of my weight. I wasn't gaining. Brushed off from being sick, the weight loss was just part of it. I went to leave after scheduling my 2nd an last c section. It was almost time to meet my son. The technician flagged the doctor down before I left. He stopped me and called me back to the ultrasound room. Something was wrong. Diagnosis: placenta previa. Repeat ultrasound Monday. This was a Friday. 
It's Monday now. Time to see what's going on. I get there expecting to be told oh we just need the c section and everything will be fine. Once done the doctor had to speak to me. Sitting in the waiting room felt like forever. The doctor who delivered my 2 girls said I'm sorry, I can't deliver your son. I can't help you. I'm referring you to another doctor. What was hoped to be previa is much more dangerous. It's accreta. Due to a previous c section scar, the placenta attached to the uterus. 
What felt like forever was only 2 days. I went to the specialist. He confirmed accreta and then I met with another specialist. After almost 2 weeks of tests and strict bed rest I was able to have my son. I needed to go to a hospital over an hour away. Meaning no family would be there. My kids wouldn't see me for however long. There's no guarantee of survival on both ends. Women died because of this. Babies died because of this. Let's top it off, the cancer. I was scared. I was angry. I was mad. At any given moment I could of went into labor on my own and chance making it to the right hospital. The one close to home didn't have a big enough blood bank or the right specialist. Time for surgery. 
It's 7 am. I'm being prepped. The doctor calls the blood bank and has so many units to be sent. My son was still moving. His heart still going. Mine was racing. Nobody could be in the room. I was being put to sleep. Along with the c section, i needed a hysterectomy, my cervix removed, a blood transfusion, and my bladder repaired or something to do with my bladder. In a few days it went from accreta to something worse. I can't remember the medical term for this. Basically the placenta embedded the uterus and the uterus embedded the bladder. This made it more difficult. 
My son was born. Unable to breathe on his own. Very weak. He went straight to the nicu. My grandma was there and saw him. When I woke up I was in the icu. I survived. He survived but for how long. Depressed and angry at everything. I wanted my son. I couldn't hold him I couldn't see him. My first look was on a computer screen. He was on tubes and iv and oxygen. He didn't look peaceful. I want to hold my baby. I need him to know mommy is here and we will be okay. I was too weak to move. I was hurting. The doctor came in. Since he removed my cervix the hope was the cancer wouldn't spread and was removed safely. I needed more tests after I healed to confirm this. I didn't care. 
The next day I was taken out of the icu. Still weak. I was able to see my son. What should be a happy moment was not. Other mothers had their babies with them 24/7. I had visiting hours. Other mothers could bond with their newborns. I couldn't hold mine longer than a few min. I was too weak and kept falling asleep. It wasn't safe for me to hold him. That's not something a mother wants to hear. You're too weak to hold your newborn. 
I didn't eat for days. I was sick. I had no motivation. On day 3 I was told he would be there for at least 2 weeks. I was going home without him. Over an hr away. Day 4 I was preparing to go home. Still hurting and weak but well enough to go home and leave my newborn son until he could come home. 
Then my phone rang. 
It was the nicu. I prayed it was good news.
It was.
He was off the oxygen. He was off feeding tubes. All his blood levels were normal. He could go home on day 5. The nicu had special rooms for parents to stay with their babies prior to going home. If anything were to happen nurses and doctors were across the hall from my room. The room was set up with everything I needed in case he needed oxygen or the feeding tube again. He didn't have the wires or tubes. He looked like a normal newborn. Finally. 
Night 1. I was exhausted but too happy to sleep. I was going home with my son the next day. My girls could see mommy again. It was about a week. They were at their grandma's in another state. I missed them. 
Finally the day came where we could go home. I had to wait for his final check to be done so he could be discharged. I had to wait for my grandma to get off work and come get us. I had to get my meds filled. I went a whole night without my pain meds and I was hurting so bad. I didn't want to walk. I was scared to walk with him in my arms. The nurses were so nice and kept him while I walked to the on site pharmacy. I know I was not an easy patient. I lashed out at a lot of staff. They ignored me mostly. Overall, even though at that time I wanted to get him and I transferred to my home town hospital, everyone was amazing. We were going home. He was so tiny he needed premie clothes. He was so long it didn't fit him length wise. So newborn it was. It was too big but better than squishing his legs into the outfits. 
Now we're home. I made several trips to the specialists. The cancer is gone. I didn't need chemo. I was lucky.
My kids are healthy for the most part. Each day has it's own struggles. I'm doing this on my own. Everything I went through with my son I was on my own. I say on my own but I have my grandma. My son has some problems. He coughs a lot. He's always congested. If there's the smallest illness circling around he get it. I have missed work because he was sick. I work 2 jobs and I still struggle to buy diapers. I do all I can for my babies. My life isn't luxurious but I wouldn't change it. Everyday my kids wake up I am reminded of how lucky I am. I was told I'm a survivor. I didn't get it at first. It's just child birth. Women do it daily. My 1st pregnancy I couldn't keep fluid around her. She kept trying to be born early. She was born struggling to breathe but quickly became fine. 1 day in the hospital. My 2nd was low fluid and gestational diabetes. She was breached. I had a c section. 2 days in the hospital. No issues at birth. My 3rd was the most difficult. 5 days in the hospital. We survived. Even when the odds were against us, we made it. My son's name was chosen before he was conceived. He still lives up to it. Strong. I'm surviving motherhood. It's a journey. My house is a mess, I'm broke, my days start before the sun comes up and I go to bed sometimes at 2 am. Sometimes I don't sleep. I've come to terms with just being my kids and me. I don't have time to date or anything. I'm 24. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with the fact it'll probably only be us for a while. I'm currently seeing somebody. I'm not sure how it's going to work just yet but he's amazingly patient. He knows everything I've been through in the past almost 5 years and he's still supportive of me. All the kids dads are married. They don't communicate with me or really try to see their kids. Their wives took over their lives and that's okay. I can't fix it. I don't care to. I have my babies and we all survived.