Category : Blogs

Sub Category : Miscellaneous

           My name is Luna. I'm 15 years old. I have BPD and anxiety. I am an overacheiver. My school work helps me to push aside my diagnosis even though it never actually leaves me. One minute I'm the life of the party, thr next I'm sitting in the corner wondering if I should be sitting in my bed watching the new season of Orange is the New Black on Netflix right now instead of spending my night with people who don't actually care about anything. I'm the person you will try to understand but you really can't, so you say things like "same" and "ME TOO!". I don't need pity from anybody. 
          I sit in English class. Best period of the day. The place I can  actually do something that makes me feel safe in my own skin. I sit by my best friend. She asks me for all of the answers. I give them to her because I don't wanther to distance herself from me. We rarely talk. I rarely talk with anyone at my school. It seems like I talk to people only when Im asked for a peice of gum or notes. 
          The students at my school are different from students at other schools. Drama floats the school halls like air pollution. A new fight each week. At least 3-4 people suspended on a daily. I scold them for being so careless. Collage coming soon. I don't know if I can make it to collage. My gtades will make it, but I'm not at a state of mind to go to far from home. But at the same time, I want to be anywhere but home at anytime. I don't know wjere to consider my home anymore. I guess it would be where my mother lives with her boyfriend and my little sister. My mother isn't the issue. Neither is my sister. My mother I so desprate to have a boyfriend that she will settle for somebody who controlls her and makes her feel unintelligent. She swears he isn't like her last boyfriend. Personally, I can't see a difference. To be honest, my mother is truly very, very smart, but she can't see toxic right in front of her face. She's never really been on her own for long enough to realize she doesn't need a spouse to complete her life. She has three kids. Each kid had a different father. 
          I can't wait for the day I can move out of this city. Where I don't have to worry about what people think. The people I grew up with left behind in a trail of dust behind my squealing tires. The day I turn 18 I'll be gone. Money is already being saved. Jobs already in mind. My life planned for me. The days where I can't bring myself to get out of bed, I won't have to. Nobody screaming at me to wake up. Its not that Im lazy. If I could come down tbe stairs with a perfect smile on my face, I would. But thats just not the way it works. Its not my fault. I can't control the way I feel.