Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

I have trained myself to hide. I went to prison early in my youth and failed to learn about love and relationships. While I was struggling to learn how to survive behind bars, most guys were going out on dates, experimenting with girls, “learning the ropes”, so to speak. It took some years for me to find my balance. No doubt the same holds true for all of us. We live and we learn. Life is the greatest teacher of all.

Whenever the topic of girls came up in our conversations in there, I was completely drawn in to them. I loved listening to the guys talk about relationships and tell stories about the girls they have been with. I listened carefully and tried to absorb everything I was hearing. My desire to experience love, to one day have a family of my own was a powerful force in my life. 

Every now and then, however, someone would turn to me and ask the inevitable question, “What about you, Carl?” Do you think I admitted to them that I have no stories to tell, no experience whatsoever to relate? I was ashamed of my virginity. I thought it made me less of a man. No, I must admit I lied, and I hid. I created tales of conquests. I made up my own stories of girls who used to do me under the bleachers at school, at the park, in the kitchen, over the counter; wherever my imagination would take me. In some of my stories I even had children of my own. Maybe they could see right through me, maybe not. For me, I thought the truth wasn’t very attractive. Normally I would just quietly depart before anyone thought to ask me anything when they were talking about it. 

I wanted to know – but I didn’t want to be known.