Category : Poems

Sub Category : N/A

I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse came in and asked me a series of questions


 just like they always do and one of the questions was "are you having or had suicidal thoughts?"


 And my mind are you argued with itself on what that question really meant because part of me wanted to say yes


 but part of me wanted to say no and I was trangled by that part until no was all I could say, 


Because my mind has blured the lines of what suicidal thoughts are, because I never thought about taking a gun 


and shooting myself or swallowing a bottle of pills or cutting straight down instead of across 


But I've had the thought about not wanting to be here and what the world would be like if I wasn't here

Maybe this person would of been happy if I wasn't here, maybe things would be easier if I wasn't here, 


maybe I wouldn't of listened to my mom cry every night because my dad left if I wasn't here maybe my dad


 wouldn't of left at all if I wasn't here, maybe everything would be ok if I wasn't here because I don't want to be here. 


Someone told me the other day that having these thoughts is a choice but if I could choose between these thoughts 


and happiness like happiness was the winning button on a game show would press it until it broke but you don't understand


 what its like to have these thoughts so don't sit here and tell me whats a choice or not because


 what you don't see is my mind won't let me be, because I don't want to be here trapped in my mind no i don't want to die i just don't want to be here. 


12-10-17