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“It's like I’m reaching out to you and not getting any results. That's what it feels like.”

This was hard for me to hear from my Little Sister. I haven’t been able to satisfy her. Not because she is looking for something crazy or unreasonable. We had started a writing project together and I haven’t been holding up my end of it. The intention was for us to put together a work, a collaboration of writing pieces from the both of us. For me, my part was to reflect on who I am and the experiences I have gone through since my release from prison. 

Pride, ego, all the typical defenders rose up in me. Their voices were getting louder and louder. They listed numerous reasons and justifications for why I haven’t been pulling my weight. "I have been working. I am trying to find my balance out here in society..", all kinds of things began to go through my mind. Of course, the excuses I was developing within me were only excuses. I tried to deny it. “No results? Really?” I tamped it down with just enough humility and admission to allow myself to keep face. "I’m not giving up,” I finally concluded. And to me, that put everything neatly into perspective.

Her reasonable voice spilled over me word by word as she said “Not giving up, No. But you're not staying on point either. So where does that leave us? We initially tried it with the two titles, but you were upfront with me about your struggles in the first project; and though I tried to encourage you, it wasn't really working. So, I decided to put it on the back burner and thought of another title. Which, to me, felt a lot easier to tackle. That didn't seem to work either. Right now, it feels like this whole idea is becoming more and more of a Pipedream.”

Knowing my little sister as I do, it was really killing me to hear this. The discouragement was so evident in her words. This whole project has been huge for her and it has been a serious driving force in her life. I would never be able to express the sheer volume of energy she has put into this. She has been exhaustive in her effort, not just in her writing and the amount of stories she has produced, all the poems and dialogues she has written, but with me, and all the time she has spent mentored me. Every day withiut fail she would come and  help me to cope with the incredible changes I was going through. 

She is totally unfiltered, and my writings expose me. things about me She easily picks up on it and what I was writing did not match the person she knew me to be. She had absolutely no problem at all calling me out on it. Over and over again in this past year she has patiently dealt with me, but the scrutiny and constant correction started getting the better of me - until it got to the point I felt I couldn’t get anything right. 

Color it up however I wanted, put all the right shapes to it, line up my words trying to make them sound or look good, even words to reflected what I thought she wanted to hear. Every time she would bust my ass or point out some flaw in my perception, some lie or mask i was hiding behind. In almost every case, I could only agree with her view and her flawless logic. 

It has been over a year now and I am still agreeing with her. 

“You are right, Little Sis”, I agreed once again. “I have lost a lot of my passion and drive. It is through sheer stubbornness I won't give up! Even though this is coming out sounding the same, I really mean it. You have only ever driven me to be honest about who I am and to keep my writings real.”

She said, “There have been times where I have asked myself if I am being too hard on you and there have been times when a small voice inside of me would say, ‘Yes, you are.’ I wanted to ease up and just let you write whatever you wanted, masks and all. At the same time, there was another voice that spoke loudly and said, ‘Hell no! If you don't try to set him straight now, he'll forever go on living his life behind these masks and lies.”

You see why I love her so much? I have always, even from the very beginning, understood  why she pushes me pushes me the way she does. Who I am in my writings, in the way I communicate, how I interact with people, it all comes down to being transparent and real. 

When the ego and pride is out if the way, I can honestly say I want what is best for me. It may be a hard pill to swallow seeing the elaborate scaffolding of pretenses and masks I have built around myself crumble beneath her scrutiny. It would make it easier if it was a single tumbling, but no – there are many dimensions to the lies I have lived with and taught myself through the years.

My baby sister does what she does out of love.