Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

      I want to write but I'm in pain. My hand tightens up and my brain becomes empty. All the ideas and pulling bits of my stories are no where to be found. "If only I wrote them down right when they popped up".  "If only I wasn't so lazy". 

      I want to write so many books but I guess I'm worried about who will read them. About being judge by them. I'm worried that they won't sell well. I don't even know what age group my stories belong to. I can't even pick a pen name.

     I have 3 possible names for different age groups. Such as,  adults , young adults , and children. And I know children's books sell really well but I don't want to dumb down my stories. Children's books  are quite difficult for me to write. I know I write dark. Its just realistic to me. 

     Seeing so many things in the media being cheerful and happy. Saying "Everything's going to be ok!".  "Life's full of rainbows and magic and blah blah blah". But how can everything be ok when you feel like crap? Don't get me wrong I like a good happy ending. 

     The majority of my stories do have possible happy endings. And I don't think any of my characters will die. At least not yet. Its just annoying how that when I get so depressed that I can't write and I waste the day away. I can't even draw sometimes. I don't know what to do with my life. 

     I feel like I'm trapped in a box, and everywhere I turn there's a wall. Everyday is a nightmare. I've been trying not to think too much about what's stresses me. However,  I can only do that for so long. I feel more distant than ever,  to those closest to me. 

      What am I saying ? I don't even believe I was close to them in the beginning. My whole life feels like an act. I don't know what to do and its driving me crazy. I don't want to talk to any of my friends or family about my worries.  

     I don't want to sit in a chair for hours,  spilling everything little detail out to a person telling me they care. When all they want is my money. I don't want to take meds that don't help. I used to wish for meds that would shut off my emotions. Because to me, my emotions caused my problems.

     They got me in to trouble and at the end of the day I'd wish I didn't exist. I thought things would be better for everyone if I didn't exist because it was like whenever I talked, an argument began. Sometimes I still feel like that. I thought I could just keep to myself but yet here I am. 

      I want someone to talk to. I want attention and I hate it. Maybe I feel like I'm not getting enough attention. I'm surrounded constantly yet,  I'm alone. Does that make sense?  Probably not. 

      Is it even allowed on here, to do what I'm doing right now?  I mean I'm writtng something and I'm sharing it. So maybe its ok. Does anyone else vent on here or know what I'm going through? 

      I suppose, everything happens for a reason and even though I don't know what that reason is yet,  I will one day. Anyway,  reader,  If you're going through a bad day, week, or whatever I really hope things get better for you. And if you're lonely, don't worry you'll meet the right person someday. I know that you think you'll been stuck with that pain forever,  but you won't.  One day your heart won't feel like its bleeding anymore. 

      One day you'll meet someone who makes you happy.  But you have to remember that love isn't everything. Love's a really great thing but you can't expect to find it before growing more as a person and gaining more confidence. Because sometimes you'll attract the wrong person. Disregard my advice (or whatever this is)  if you were lucky to find someone who truly gets you during your dark times. 

      I wanted to write more but I think I'll stop for today. Thank you, to whoever read this and I hope you're doing well. I know this wasn't much or a story and its quite random but really thanks. I don't feel like it right now but things will have to get better soon right? Maybe if I were more positive,  I could speed things up. Hopefully I didn't offended anyone. Anyways,  Happy New Years!!! ?🎉🎇🎆🎈🎊