Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

love....is a word that describes a feeling that i have never felt and probably will never, that four letter word is apparently very strong, because apparently it drives people crazy, it drives people crazy enough to get them out of their comfort zone, to go beyond their limits and do courageous actions, the thing is that i am a logical person or thinker call it what you want and as logical thinker i don't believe in feelings specifically love, i don't know why. some say that i have enormous confidence but I don't, honestly. i am insecure to the point of fearing to leave my house because i see myself as ugly and not wanting anyone to stare at my face because Everytime people stare or have a glimpse at me, my heart beat so fast and so hard and my brain start to overthink, if there is something wrong with my face or clothes,and I can't think of anything but shrinking or to disappear to spare myself from all that. the truth is that i have never loved myself but over the years i learned to accept all the things about me that disturb me, i have learned to make fun of myself before anyone does, because I can't handle being judged because judgments ache my heart, so when i crumble i am the first one to laugh and you can predict the rest of the list of how i respond to my actions in order to avoid a look or even worse an unwanted laugh. And i realized that i have never loved myself i don't, i can only accept it, because it's the only option i have, and the hunger of me wanting to accept myself never stops, i am always not pretty enough, not tall enough, didn't lose enough weight, and it's always fat, always ugly, always short, not loved enough!. But wait, why do i crave a feeling that I don't even believe that it exist, some people say i am the most passionate lover Because i once loved someone with my whole mental, physical, and emotional strength, and I don't really understand how did that happen, i don't, the thing is that i feel empty, empty like squeezing your toothpaste bottle to get every bit of toothpaste left until it's empty, so empty like the toothpaste, exhausted, and tired, and always wondering what's next?, And the weirdest thing is that i feer loneliness but the concept of being lonely changed it's not about the people around you anymore it's about the feelings that surround you, and i am lonely, pathetically lonely, but i won't ask for feelings, some people say that i am very important to them but it's very funny how they act to prove those feelings, i once read a quote that says" he treats you the way he feels about you" and it's logical and true, sadly. I started walking for long distance or even run to ease the pain accompanied by my thoughts, so i imagine them as heavy stuff that fall off my shoulders Everytime i fight the ground with my feet, i used to listen to music when i walk because like any other human i get bored, but now i don't, it's not that i don't feel bored anymore but my head is full of heavy noises, it's like having a rock band playing in the back of my head all the time, so i don't need to put music on to distract me from boredom, i feel effortless and boneless, i feel tired, exhausted and bored , it's like being paralysed and trapped in this world with this body and this face that i hate and i have no other option except for accepting them but i don't really know how to love them.