Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

it is 2017. 
i have been in a 4 year relationship with a girl that ended last 2014. actually i'm bisexual.
it was a rocky 4 years. my partner cheated on me 2 times.. on the first time she cheated me for a guy.. i forgave her.. i accepted her even if it hurts so much. but the second is different.. she chose the other girl than me.. at first it was so difficult to accept.. i really want to die.. the feeling is worse.. its killing me.. but after a few months of pain and suffering i moved on.. 

after that.. i had different make out sessions with  a girl and this 1 guy separately.. but i have never been to a sex with a guy..

last 2015 i did it with a girl.. she has a partner but living separately because her partner is in abroad.. we had drinks and got carried away.. she did all the works.. i just laid in bed and wait for whatever she will do to my body.. i cant remember all the details because im fully drunk.. 

on the next day, i regret what we have done.. it wasnt supposed to happen.. everyone in that place that we took drinks knew what happened.. i dont want to go out. i dont want to work.. im afraid i might cross path on those people and cant look them in the eye for i am suffering of being paranoid.. but still life must go on.. 

i also did flirting with this guy.. we chat and text.. we make out everytime we drink but thats it.. we dont do the sex thing.. im afraid because i never had experience and also we might get caught and his wife might know.. 

i really dont fall in love this time.. the last time i did hurts me a lot.. im afraid.. i dont take things seriously.. it was just flirting and making out.. but i missed being in love.. 
 
last year , 2016 is a good year for me.. im living in a happy go lucky life.. no worries and no issues.. 

i bond wih this girls 17 years younger than me.. our friendship grows.. i have grown a feeling for here but i simply kept it up because im friends with her parents and sibling.. we see each other everyday.. we do things together.. when im off to work i will message her if shes available.. it became a routine.. i just hide my feelings.. i dont want to betray anyone in her family members and relatives.. 

until one day.. christmas of 2016 is coming.. we along with our other friends go out to check on the market.. as we were walking she holds my hand.. while others are not looking.. im a bit shock.. dont know what to think.. we pull our hands away if somewhat might see it.. and then holds again if no one is looking.. 

im happy and scared.. i dont want her to have feelings for me.. im simply contempted that i love her silently..

christmas.. we go to mass along with friends.. im happy and so is she.. and that night i have to do some stuff.. i just left without them noticing.. and when midnight comes i have to go home and on my way theres drunk men.. i text her if shes awake and if its ok if i stayed in her terrace.. she text me back and said it was fine.. so i stay.. to my surprise she got from bed and stayed with me.. when we are all by ourself we just act naturally.. we are not sweet.. we do not hold hands.. just as us as friends.. after 30 mins i asked her if she could look for those men if they were still around.. she comes back and told me its clear so i got home. 

dec 26.. theres a typhoon.. no electricity.. we decided along with her uncle and aunts and cousin to go to mall.. we spent half of the day hanging around and taking a good time.. karaoke..  and eating.  we got home at 7 pm.  she doesnt want tobe apart from me.. if i go home and told her to wait for me she dont like it.. she want to come with me.. thats how i know she has a feeling for me more than friends.. i love this feeling.. 

dec 30.. we stayed together.  i got home at 12 midnight.. i have to sleep because we are going to markwt by 3 am.. im excited because new year is coming.. market.. we hold hands when no one might see.. we got home at 6 am.. we cook and eat breakfast.. by 8 am.. i went home and sleep.. im tired and exhausted..i dont have enough sleep.. by 11 am my phone buzz.. it was her telling me she doesnt have a load and ask me to text her aunt for they will go to the mall to buy cake.. i told her ok.. then she replied again as i was going back to sleep.. she ask me to go with them.. i said im still sleepy.. she replied please.. so i took a quick bath for she was already ready to go.. i brought my car.. there is no cake available in sm.. we went to the city.. im still sleepy as we fall in line.. she just hold my hand as i was behind her.. i lay my head in her shoulders as we hold hands.. thank god her aunt doesnt notice as she was a homophobic.. and she doesnt have to notice because its my end if she does.. 

dec 31 to jan 1..
new years eve.. i ate with my family.  afterwards i went to my special friend.. they are celebrating as i enter.. everyone take picturea.. i was invited but i hate picture.  then she requeted for it and thats the time i agreed.. i still have those pic where i saved from her aunts fb pics.. after eating..drinking is next.. there are lots of beers.. when we feel tipsy she then became showy.. she hugs me a lot.. and kisses me on the cheeks.. i just kiss her fingers when it was wrapped around my shoulder.. i think no one notice for everyone is having a good time.. she always kiss me on the cheeks.. i love it and same way scared.. after that drink i was about to go home but she then ask me to sleepover her house alon with her 1 cousin.. so i did.. i slept between them.. 
afternoon of january 1..
i woke at around 3 pm.. took a bath then go out.. i saw her.. i ask her if shes drunk last night for she always kisses me the whole time.. she told me shes not.. and she just feel l8ke kissing me.. then afterwards we went to the city.. still we hold hands when no one might notice.. 

jan 2.. 

i went to her place at around 4 pm.. we plan to have a drinks.. afterwards we drank a lot.. 3 cases of 1 liter of beer.. all in all 18 bottles.. pretty drank.. she was too.. i opened up to her about my feelings.. i told her that i feel her feelings for me too.. things got awkward.. i told her that i dont want to betray her family.. i want to end being close to her.. she just kept her mouth shut.. i do all the talking.. we parted ways with no closure.. when i lay in bed i message her..

me: hello
she: hi
me: do you love me
she: yes
me: arent you going to ask me if i love you..
she: im not going to.. i know the answer coz i feel it..

then i fell asleep

the next day.. it was a different day.. she avoided me.. and it hurts.. i love her.. even if we are around to each other we dont talk.. i dont regret everthing i said to part ways because i know its for the best.. i notice her fb accout.. she posted a song say you wont let go.. i cried so hard.. when she doesnt even look or talk to me it hurts.. i cried again.. she then posted on fb about someones leaving.. my heart aches.. until jan 11.. i chat her.. 

me: i miss you
she: cant wait to see you..

i know its wrong but i felt happiness.. 
evening that day..i took some drinks.. and got drunk.. my biggest regret..

she got home and hurried to see her.. i missed her.. i hug her a lot.. shes tired.. and im so noisy and acting different.. she got pissed.. she told me i will not talk to you because of my aggressive act.. i told her ok.. when i got home i mesaage her to not to talk to me ever again.. she explained that i did nothing wrong it just implying her that my act make her feel awkward.. i then say sorry.. bu its too late.. i just said to not to talk to me ever again and she agreed.. until then we never talk a bit.. she blocked me in all social media accounts.. shes now abroad and no communication at all.. but i never regret the day that we parted ways because i know its for our own sake.. i lose her at least didnt fully betray her family.. i think i move on.. my love from her was gone at this moment.. i will just treasure the memories.. i may not be forgiven but as long as i live i will not forgot her..

im 38 and she is 21..