Category : Notes/work

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I still remember the day when everything were perfect. I got admission in an university  and i got my favorite field software engineering. I moved to another city with my best friend for studies. My father was a great man really caring he paid my 2 semester fee and expenses i were 18 year old that time. I wanted to be one of the best developers and i got a website project from one of my facebook friend in 3rd semester and from that day i started working in part time too and then in 5th semester i got a big android application project from a big medical company here. I was so much happy thaat time. Everything was perfect and i decided to go america for my masters that was my dream. I got good savings too for that. And my closest persons are my best friend and my gf and family and then suddenly when everything was perfect i got a mews that my father had an acvident and he is in i.c.u serious condition. I got nervous. I went to the hospital i saw my family crying and praying there. My sisters my little brother and my mom(she ia the kindest person i known) all were crying and i stopped my tears somehow so i can say my family to be strong. I was just 19 that time but because my bog brother is drink so much he doesn't care for my father he were not in the hospital so i were the person who needed to calm my family. I spent 15 days in hospital with my father i spent my all savings and my father saving on his treatment and then suddenly after 15 days doctor told me he is died and he is on ventilator and doctor told me to be strong and calmly handle the situation.. I can't express my feeling with u kf that day. I wanted to cry but i wanted to cry badly but i needed to take care of my family. I never knew that that day will change my whole life. I handled that situation calmly but all were crying anx i were the one who going to one of one to everyone and saying them to calm. It was the hardest thing to do hide your tears and tell others to stop. I still remember that night my father died i were there near him all night. But when in the morning i saw my best friend coming from another city before my father death i hugged him and i cried  badly that day i realized that how difficult is to be staying strong and thn everything changed i were the one who needed to take care of my family. All my relatives n helped me and thn i started to work more ao i can pay all my family expenses and then when i start doinv it i saw a peace in it. A peace when i did something for someone and when they smile because of you thats the best feeling u can get in life. But then my elder brother started to fight with my mom he startted to treat her badly and i were in another city because of studies my mom never told me about that so i dont get sad. My mom cares alot for me. She is a woman who care for everyone but nothing for herself. One day i came at my home after my exams and i saw my brother drunk so much and then he started abusing my mom and when i tried to talk to him he slapped me. I didn't knew what to do that time because he was my eldest brother and i respect him for that i stayed quit and try to calm the situation and that day i saw my mom crying badly and she told me in how much difficulties he is living. All the money i sent to my mom my elder brother take and use for drinking so i decided to take my small brother to take with me to another city so he can study well and can become air force pilot his dream. It was a brave decision because i knew that  i cant pay his costly fee there but i didn't want him to stay with my brother so he can see him drinking and fight one day because i knew he is a angry kid he can fight for his mom but i never can because i want to unite my family so tried to calm the situation. I talk to my brother many times about this but he always asked me for money and said he will stop it but he never did  he made me fool every time u known why i gave him so much chances? Because i still remember my father last words he said to me that "u have to take care of your family and always make them unite your brother is not a good guy but don't leave him always try to make him change because its a family"  well  i stopped my studies so i can pay my expenses of my little  brother studies. I never wanted him to miss my dad as much as i do i known how difficult it is. I wanted to be like his dad but i were just 18 yearr old with full of responsibilities. I was really scared that how i will do that all and then my mom told me that we need to marry my sisters in few months so we need money for that. I was worried how i will arrange that much money i worked hard and saved the money but i was scared because if i need more what i will do because no relatives of me came to help me. ND THEN WE STARTED Preparation for my sister marriage and i made all the arrangements very well but before the day of my sister marriage one of my client fraud with me and turned off his cell phone and the check he gave me were bounce i didn't knew what to do then i went to graveyard and sit near my dad grave and cried i cried two hours there and asking GOd why always me why it is so difficult for me  why always i face the problem i cried alot and when i were about to go for suicide i got a call from my mom that my auntie gave the money for sometime as a loan and that day i said thanks to GOD for helping me and everything was perfect in marriage now she is happily married all of my sisters and then i tried to change my elder brother and he stop drinking too much he still drink much sometimes. :/ and then after few months of my sister marriage my gf broke up with me and i still don't k own why. And then my best friend got busy with his gf so i am alone from that day i never share my feeling with someone. I lost my gf mg father my best friend and i cant share with my mom i dont want her to be sad because of me   and after few months my mom told me to save some money so we can do my elder brother marriage and may be that will chNge my brother from drinking and i tried to get a job but i didn't because i stopped my  studies in the middle so i dont have a degree :( i got some projects and i paid all the expenses of my brother marriage  and i thought now everything will be fine again my brother will work too and now i will have someone with me to take care of my family but it went wrong now my brother and his wife both tease my mom. My brother's wife don't do anything to helo my mom. My mom is still having difficult  time. From last 5 months i am not getting work and my family expense is too much because of my brother study and i got some loan and now in a week i need to pay all of that :/ and i dont known how i will pay them :/ and today i am tired i just don't known what to do i cant do suicide because in my religion those who do suicide will go in hell :/ i dont known what to do :'( from my father death to now its been a 2 year and i still don't remember a day where i spent a day without a tension. How quickly everything change just because of one person death. I never do something for me now i never do shopping. I like to help people now if i have money i spent them in helping people becUse i known now how difficult is life for some people.
I just wanna ask one question
Isn't it so much for a 21 year old boy?
Why life is so difficult?
When i will get a chance to smile?
I am so sad today i just wrote it without a reason i just wanted to share my feelings i am alone so alone :'(
I don't want anything for me i just want  my fsmily to be happy i want my liittle brother to become a successful person so he can't feel like i am feeling now.
How i will do that all i stopped my studies i am not getting work how i will do that all. :' (
How i will take care of my family how i will fulfill my responsibilities.
I am tired today so i am writing it i wanna run some where else where no one know me but i cant left my mom behind :/
I am a boy who is struggling hard from last 2 years and don't dream for himself because i am tired now i am afraid i dont wanna see her sad so i am showing her that every thing is ok but i know nothing is ok. :/