Category : Books-Fiction
Sub Category : Adventure
When it was 1912 a man in new York city discovered the Eiffel tower because he was locked in a dungeon for stealing diamonds from the mayor of his town but after all he was first to discover the Eiffel tower and not a lot of people knew that the Eiffel tower was a real thing mostly other people that were in dungeons knew that he discovered the Eiffel tower when it was three years later more and more people knew about the Eiffel tower and he was know allowed to come out of the dungeon and after that he spreaded the word all over the world but nobody knew about the lie the lie is a lie that everybody believes when they hear it this lie contains black magic you have to be very evil because when you touch the the lie it turns you evil dangerous but this guy that was in the dungeon has already touched the lie but some people it makes them evil not dangerous the minute you touch the lie you change but this guy didn't get affected he was already evil he didn't need the lie to be evil he was already evil The next day his mother came and she hated him because she herd that he went in a dungeon for stealing the mayor's diamonds and he also did it on his mothers birthday so that made her even more angrier than she already was one day he met this girl called Diana and he seemed to like her but he didn't know that she had touched the lie on the same day he met Diana he found out that his mother died and there was know way to save his mother so he went to the hospital as soon as he heard and then he remembered he made a deal that if you don't pay I will kill your mother so be careful then he realized that it is time to stop being evil and find a way to kill his guy even if he was evil he still loved his mother and would do anything to save his mother so he went on a mission to kill this guy so then he went to this Guy's place but before he got their he bought a team and some swords then he went to this Guy's home and had a fight then everyone learned a lesson never touch the lie
Comments
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Thomas Hunter
look, I think there is some potential here, but it really badly neess some work. First and formost is the lack of punctuation. The whole story is literally one sentance without out even a comma for a pause. Secondly there is too little character development, I failed to connect with any character in this because i was simply told of a few facts and left to imagine too much on my own. What is his age, or at least category, so he stole diamonds but why? How does the Eiffel Tower get "discovered" in 1912 by a man from a dungeon when it is a man built structure. There are hallmarks here that say some day some how you could be an excellent story teller and you should definately keep writing but reread your stories when there done about 24 to 48 hours later and be critical. How did i know this about that character. Does that seem like a realistic reaction for him/her. Why did that Antagonist do that? How is my Protagonist going to deal with that? Did my character evolve as a person in this story? If so was it intentional? If not am I making a statement? Short stories are an excellent way to express yourself, but try and do a little better job in grabbing my attention. Whatever you do with this information is up to you but I plan to follow your work to see if you improve. Modest effort, keep writing.
Dec 07, 2017
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