Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

Let me paint you a picture... I was 16 years old when I first confessed that I was having some mental health issues and needed some help. You see, I am a rather intelligent young woman, and at this age, I was just beginning to piece together some of the things that had happened in my life. I began seeing full swing how my past was coming to haunt me. At this point in my life, I became angry. I felt that no one could understand how I felt or what I was going through. I lashed out at the people I loved most and tore myself down even more. So, it was decided that I start going to therapy, where it was then decided that I be put on medication. At 16 years old, I started taking Lexapro. Lexapro is pretty much the standard or trial medication for depression. I guess you could say it's for "beginners". Almost like a starting point where doctors can adjust accordingly. For me, they upped my dosage to the point of me being so tired that I could barely function. I was also given hydroxaziene for the increased anxiety. This dynamic duo lasted a few months, and as seasons change, so did my life. Needless to say, it wasn't working for me anymore  (not that it ever had). When I quit taking the medication, I became even more of a basket case than I already was before. My doctor,  who I saw for a whole 10 minuets once every  3 months, decided on Paxil. Saying that on this I became a mess would be an understatement. Being a 16 year old girl is hard enough. Throw in some pretty heave trauma, a dysfunctional environment and some depression medication and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster, which is exactly what I was. This shit made me cry for no reason, feel worthless and as if I didn't want to exist anymore. Stopped taking Paxil. Again, you basically have withdraw effects when you stop taking these kinds of medications. I got over that and told my doctor that I didn't want to be on medication at all anymore. After all, I was 16 for God sake. My brain hadn't even fully developed yet and I was being fed medication that literally change the chemical balances in your brain, when I was still mentally and emotionally developing. Ever wondered why you can't drink until you're 21? Yeah, there's a reason for that. It occurred to me just how ridiculous this had all seemed. Now, at almost 23, I wonder just what the hell are these quacks thinking!? It's almost like a consumer, doctors and the pharmaceutical companies are swimming in a circle. Consumers go to doctors, doctors prescribe medication and pharmacies distribute mesds. Well, doctors won't continue to fill your scripts unless you see them once every 6 weeks. When you tell them what you have isn't working for you, they up your doseage or add something else. It's making you sick? You can't eat, sleep, stay awake or function? Here's something to help you fall asleep, something to wake you up and be more alert, some pills for the constant nausea and a little extra something for all the stress and anxiety this has been causing you....all from the effects of the initial medication you started out on. Not to mention the thousands of dollars this is costing you for the visits, and the overpriced pills, so here's some debt to add to your depression. It's all bullshit. Here I am, 7 years later, and I have finally broken the cycle. My life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs dealing with the back and forth. The doctors who don't know you and don't care to, and the pharmaceutical companies banking off your chemical dependency. Meanwhile, you are walking backwards... you see, the medications aren't "fixing" anything. What's really happening is that your life is being put on pause. Your problems are covered by a thin blanket of false hope. You begin to lose touch with who you really are to be re-programmed into someone you don't even recognize. I have learned this all the hard way. On this journey, I have accumulated a lot of debt, lost some good friends and set myself back in terms of personal and spiritual growth. I still have my dark days, don't get me wrong, but without the aide of medication, I have learned how to recognize my weaknesses and cope with my worries and fears. I have become so much more insightful and accepting of myself. Having a clear mind has opened my eyes and helped me to uncover my true self and I am so thankful for that. Please don't get me wrong, if you are at a point in your life where you need medication, then I whole heartedly wish you the best of luck. Everyone is different, and that is another shitty thing about all this. I guess my message here, other than the ranting, is that we all struggle sometimes and maybe I might be able to use my experiences to help someone who can relate.