Category : Books-Non-Fiction

Sub Category : Biography

I woke up one day,with less pain and heartache than the usual.. I realised something had changed,I couldn't tell right away what had made the big difference but with time i got to understand what it means to a be mother..
This is a dedication to  Ethan my son,my strength and my faith. I cannot be with you right now,just know I love you,you are my World!



 One night driving through the empty streets of Gaborone the lights got so much into my eyes, tears rolled down my cheeks.I was so lost in deep thoughts of how my life had sank so low. That particular evening it wasn't about me,I had given up on myself,my hope and requests to God. The only silent prayer in my heart was for Ethan my son-with all my faith and if God owed me anything at all i had to ask was one request to God,that He protects Ethan. At that point i had lost everything that  my feelings  didn't matter. My heart only beat for him.

 I drove through the city,until i couldn't see the way any more,emotions overcame me,I was lost in pain,regret,failure and uncertainty.
I drove to my Pastors house and while at the gate i felt so hopeless,i asked myself so many questions  because I  had been there several times before in the past 6 years. I decided for that night maybe i needed to see a different person. I drove halfway through the city  to another great woman  of God my mentor and at the gate i felt just the same as at the other gate and i drove off around town for about an hour until  a small reminder came to me.
 I rushed to the place where i felt i needed to be. A huge and massive building i had so many memories in this place. I had witnessed  so man y miracles happening in this particular building man y being miracles in my life. I had first got in-depth contact with God here i had asked for man y of my hearts desires here and God had given me. 
I came to conclusion that if God was to hear my one petition  it would be at at this Holy,Beautiful and Sacred place called block 8. I slowly indicated left,turn into the emptychurch parking on a Thursday late night  and switched off my engine. At that moment I felt  a sigh of relief and tears rushed down my eyes... i cried bitterly,pouring out the hurt,disappointment and heartache to the Creator. I went on and on i just couldn't stop it seecmed like the perfect thing to do.Somehow that crying felt like a conservation with God. 
 
Like a child crying and to its father,like a handwiriten poem begging its writer i begged "fix me,erase this chapter,edit this page" i cried bitterly.
 At that point I swear,God replied... What He told me has changed my life incredibly. i have never been confronted with so much boldness,truth and wisdom. I recall that day and those words like yesterday... 
 
Surrender Ethan to me,give him to me! He is more mine than he is yours.Surrender,surrender!
That moment my brain froze how can anybody ask me to surrender Ethan my everything,how can God after all i have gone through to be with my boy ask me such a gesture.  I could not believe my eyes,I was shocked.. I didn't move i was numb at that moment I was sure thag was God speaking because He has spoken to me before and i recognised His voice. He  repeated again until i faced him with my own question, Why?Ethan is mine i cant,he is the only thing i got,please let me have him" i begged sobbing..
 There was a moment of silence and i  knew i had no choice than to surrender to the Creator of the Universe. the beginner and finished of our faith.. i stood in silence tears streaming down my face and i knelt down
Father,its painful,its hurts so much i am not sure i can do this.. IT IS  WELL with your soul the sweet voice replied. Immidiately i was taken back to the year 2012.. The day i got Ethan  Christened