Category : Diary/Journal

Sub Category : N/A

It has been a while sense I felt heart break. And I mean real, raw, sunken feeling in your chest, tossing and turning in your bed late at night, can't get you out of my mind no matter how hard I try type of heart break. 
Now..as a adult (and I use that term loosely) I thought heart break would feel different from the last time I experienced it as a teenager. Instead of spending hours in the solitude of my room crying asking myself what I did wrong and why wasn't I good enough, I would accept heart break with dignity and look at it from a melancholic almost poetic but understanding manner..sort of a: "It is beter to have loved and loss than to not have loved at all", type of point of view...but I was wrong. At my 22 years of age I still find myself foolishly obsessing about your smile in the quiet tranquility of my room on a Tuesday night.  I lay in bed and open up our last texting conversation and scroll. The last unanswered message sent by me, a simple but whole heartedly: "I hope you have a great day at work today!", sent a hour before you got into work, a obvious sign that you where one of the first things that popped into my head that morning upon waking up. As I re read old messages I feel a mix of emotions.  
My fingers hover over the keyboard, itching to send what I had written and erased so many times.
- I can't stop thinking about you. -
Frustrated, I toss my phone aside and shove my face into my pillow. Hot, angry, tears begin to burn at my eyes. 
How could you not see? 
How could you not understand? 
Surely you coud feel it..and by "it" I mean this burning, necessity to grab my jacket, put on my shoes and drive off into the night to your place.
You don't need to understand it. 
We don't need to put a name to it. You just need to tell me you feel it too.
I roll onto my back and reach for my phone.
I can't stop thinking about you. 
I once again as so many times before press delete. I close my eyes and wait for sleep to come to me.
Because I love you so much...I could have sent it. but I didn't...Because I love myself even more.