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Sub Category : Miscellaneous

The Incredulity of Santa
(Lewis Black-style)

I have two words for you: break-in pedophile.

If this were ANY OTHER PERSON, you wouldn’t let him in. You wouldn’t leave cookies for him, and you WOULDN’T believe the things you do about him- in fact, you DON‘T. You just make sure your kids do so they’ll be good leading up to precisely one day a year. AND you caution them to not go downstairs, knowing they’ll probably do so anyway. That’s what he’s banking on too.

By the way, in all of this, there’s no mention of Krampus actually accompanying Santa down your chimneys.

And he has YOU fooled into thinking he can fit all that weight down a fucking chimney! What is he, a mouse?

A mouse, for those of you that don’t know, can compress its own cartilage enough to fit between a refrigerator and the kitchen FLOOR. I doubt if any of us could do the same. Oh, AND he has you thinking that he’s an actual elf. Not ONE picture or painting ever shows him with elf ears.

How nice is this guy, really? He has a toy sweatshop, local, but still a SWEATshop. He gets these tiny, little elves to do all his work for him, and they’re supposedly fucking happy to do so. I don’t know where they live, but I would assume that their quarters are in Christmastown somewhere. Not sure what currency they use, or how they get everything they need to live (they probably make THAT too), but they magically have it all right there. They are surrounded by woods, so I would assUME that’s how they get the materials to build not only the toys but their little elf HOUSES as WELL! That leaves the Clauses’ house, which is somehow of brick and mortar. Did the little happy elves build that too? Where did they find all that material, or, for that matter, the time to MAKE IT?